Italians Stick Together

Italia!

Italia!

ITALY!

Eh?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Italia?

Italia!!

Mike D'Antoni's Having Sympathy Pains

Oh, my back hurts because I'm sooooo sexy. Want to comb my mustache?

First, it was Danilo Gallinari:

Rookie Danilo Gallinari did not travel with the KnicksNew York Knicks on their two-game road trip, staying behind to have a battery of tests on his back to rule out possible surgery, according to a team source.

The source said an MRI will be among the tests performed on the 20-year-old, who has suffered from a bulging disc since mid-July. The pain level in the Italian Stallion's lower back and leg increased the past few days, causing growing concern among the team's medical staff that new treatment may be needed for the 6-foot-10 forward from Milan, who was selected sixth overall in this year's draft.

Now, it's Mike D'Antoni:

If Mike D’Antoni is a few degrees shy of upright and grimacing, it is not because he is feeling the strain of coaching the Knicks. It is because his lower back is killing him.

D’Antoni has been dealing with debilitating back pain for more than a week. It became so bad last Friday he thought he might miss the Knicks’ home game against Oklahoma City.

I've heard of protecting your young players from the media, but this is ludicrous. Just because D'Antoni is friends with Gallinari's dad doesn't mean he should be faking injuries to make his son more comfortable. And that's obviously what's happening.

ALTERNATE ENDING

Oh, you Italians with your weak backs and womanizing ways. That's what you get for stealing our women and trying to make mustache's cool.

Mike D'Antoni is Dismayed

Are you kidding me? What do I have to do to beat the Spurs?! I mean, seriously, what? This is getting ridiculous. I hate those guys. It's stupid. UGH! I hate my life.

Let's run down the list of reasons that I shouldn't have lost this game:

a) the Spurs suck right now. I coach the God-forsaken New York Knicks and WE HAVE A BETTER RECORD! The Knicks. My team. Better record than the Spurs and we still lost.

b) Balki isn't playing. I hate that no good, flopping, balding piece of garbage but at least then I can understand why I'd lose. But Roger Mason, Jr.? Gimme a break.

c) The smelly Frenchie isn't playing. I still don't get how Tony Parker's the French one, while Jacque Vaughn is an American but whatever. He's out too!

d) My mustache is WAY sexier than Popovich's old-timey Civil War beard. He looks like a fat Donald Sutherland.

I can't figure it out. I mean, it's definitely NOT my system. People wrote books about how good this thing is. Does Castaway have books written about his system? Didn't think so. Oh great. He's coming over here. Play it cool, Mike.




Hey, Coach! Great to see you! Oh, you guys looked great tonight. Great, great game. I hope Tony and Manu get healthy. I'd hate to see you guys without them for too long. And let me say, I LOVE your beard. It looks excellent. Well, gotta run. Good luck this year.

(whispering as Popovich walks away)
I hate you so much.

Mike D'Antoni Explains His Coping Mechanism

Coaching the Knicks is a tough job. I had no idea. I mean, I spend most of my down time driving through the Italian countryside in my Fiat; I can't be expected to know how the New York Knicks have been mismanaged. Anyways, the guy before me was apparently some very bad manager, and the team he left me with is pretty terrible. Sometimes it makes me very angry.

It's just so silly that I have to deal with this one guy, Steven something, who thinks he's a great point guard. It's pretty depressing really, how he thinks of himself. I came from years with Steve Nash, who, aside from being super sexy, is also a legitmately great point guard. It's a real bummer.I try to stay upbeat, I really do. I try to encourage my players. I give them rousing applause whenever they deserve it.But most of the time, they're such idiots I have to come down pretty hard on them. It's terrible. They won't respond to anything. There's these two fat guys we've got that want to spend all their time cruising for chicks and going to drive-thrus. No matter how loud I yell, I can't get through to them.
It's a conspiracy, I swear. Even the refs are against me. So, of course, I try to explain to them that my team is full of idiots, but they don't care. So when all that stuff is happening, and I just can't take it anymore, I do what any sane man would do. I DANCE! I dance, dance, dance. I can't even explain how great it feels. All my troubles just drift away. I love New York.

Mike D'Antoni Attends His First Knicks Practice

Mike D’Antoni enters the Knicks practice facility. He is impeccably dressed in a Thom Browne suit, his mustache is freshly groomed, and he has recent shined Salvatore Ferragamo shoes on.

Mike D’Antoni: Alright, Knicks. Get over here. Lemme see what we got.

Scans roster

Ah, Quentin Richardson. Q, my man.

Quentin Richardson: What up, Coach.

Pounds head

MD: Q? What happened? You look enormous.

Richardson pounds head

MD: You’re still doing that? You haven’t played with what’s-his-name since 2002.

Richardson pounds head

MD: Okaaaaaay. Well…Mardy Collins…Jerome James…Jared Jeffries…Anthony Roberson…Fred Jones…this can’t be real. This is made up, right?

Stephon Marbury: Nah man that’s our roster we ballin’ this yeah Stephy aka Starburst aka Starbeezy aka Caramel Mochalotta runnin’ things droppin’ things shootin’ things the usual...

MD: Please be quiet.

SM: …I figger I’ll prolly get 40-50 a night plus like 19 or 20 steals and at least 2 assists that’s good for 70ish wins there I think we’re lookin’ at beatin’ the Bulls record but it’s too early to tell…

MD: Patrick, uh…Patrick Ewing?

Patrick Ewing, Jr.: Junior. Play me or I’ll tell my dad. He could beat you up.

SM: …I been workin’ on some things like a behind-the-back layup I call the Coney Island Cyclone it’s a nod to my homeboys they gonna love it plus I’m gettin’ some ink done this weekend picture a the Pringles guy for you coach just so you know we tight…

MD: Might as well get started. I want Duhon, Crawford, Chandler, Curry, and Randolph on the floor. You’ll be our starting five.

Jamal Crawford, Eddy Curry, and Wilson Chandler take the court. Crawford immediately begins shooting.

MD: Where’s Chris?

Wilson Chandler: Drankin’.

MD: And you are?

WC: Wilson Chandler.

MD: WILSON Chandler? Not Tyson. Of course. Where’s Zach?

WC: With Chris.

MD: Great….Lee and Danilo, out here.

David Lee and Danilo Gallinari step on the court. Gallinari bends low to the floor to check his hair in the reflection. Lee begins rebounding Crawford’s misses.

Danilo Gallinari: Ciao allenatore. Papà dice ciao e grazie per la raccolta di me. Come funziona guardare i miei capelli?

MD: Your hair looks fine, Danilo. It always does.

DG: …thanks…be…to…youth?

MD: Close enough. You’re welcome.

SM: …and like I just wanna still be the best point guard in the league which I am but I don’t wanna give up the throne look at what I’ve done played for Phoenix then they were great I made KG win that title and Bassy’s been killin’ at the Rucker all because of Steph so why I ain’t averagin’ like 30 shots a night is crazy holla.

Nate Robinson knocks out Stephon Marbury with a single punch