Asian/Pacific Islands Basketball is Confusing

I like watching all kinds of basketball. Or as the Spanish might say baloncesto. I feel like I can relate to basketball at any level. Yes, I much prefer the NBA to anything else, but I'm always down to chill out on a college, high school, or international game.

But I have never watched a FIBA Asia game ever. In fact, I just found out it was called FIBA Asia because of Google and their website, which a) exists and b) has a theme song that autoplays that is hilarious. That is my entire understanding of FIBA Asia basketball. And judging by some recent photographs, that's probably the most I'll ever comprehend, because holy cow what is going on here?

In FIBA Asia basketball, large women guard small men while the kid from Little Miss Sunshine watches from press row.

In FIBA Asia basketball you can only block shots through the rim.

FIBA Asia basketball is very emotional.

In FIBA Asia basketball, some players have the ability to float parallel to the ground. This is a perfectly legal defensive strategy.

Similarly, in FIBA Asia basketball, some players can make the ball levitate. If you levitate the ball, you can advance it as if you were dribbling. It is not considered traveling because it's magical.

FIBA Asia basketball is heavily influenced by the Harlem Globetrotters.

These are the only known facts about FIBA Asia basketball. I learned them from reading the website, so I'd suggest you check it out then come back here so we can have an in-depth discussion about FIBA Asia basketball. Also, magic. We can talk about magic since that's all you want to talk about these days.

A Fable

Once upon a time, a man decided to perform an experiment. Not your typical scientific experiment, per se, but rather a social experiment.

This man, though not a scientist, sought to assemble a collection of humans. Humans from every walk of life. Humans, mind you, that are rarely seen together. Humans that rattle to the depths of one's soul. Yes, this man - a man of glorious wealth - travelled far and wide, searching for the oddities that had been cast aside by cultures across the globe. Cultures that couldn't see them for their inherent wealth. Cultures that not only exile the unusual but that also invalidate the worth of these people.

Over time, the man collected these humans, but that was only part of the plan. Simply gathering was not enough; these treasures must be displayed, he thought. Seeking a stage for his band of oddities, the man settled on Puerto Rico. From there, it was time to unleash his cadre of outcasts upon the world, to show the world what they were missing.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we got the Puerto Rican national basketball team.