Kiki and Nate Get That Corn, Son

Single Black Lee Male

I'm not too sure what to make of this Courtney Lee character. Last year, with the Magic, she seemed like a nice lady who was down to play some tough defense and maybe make a three-pointer or miss an alley-oop layup on occasion.


But this year, there is something different. For instance, now she plays with the New Jersey Nets. That's not the difference I was talking about, necessarily. Check this out.


I know what you're thinking. No, that isn't Kenyon Martin from 2000 to 2004. It's just a case of one human (Courtney Lee) trying to be another human (Kenyon Martin) who was trying to be another human (Method Man). A real Kirk Lazarus situation.


Feels like an identity crisis starring John Cusack and Ray Liotta. Last season, peeps were like, "check out Courtney Lee, he's pretty legit." And he was sorta legit. He was a down-to-earth tucked-in shirt bro with a lady's name.


Now he is all headbandy and goateed, and I'm kinda thinking maybe he wants to be an enforcer like Kenyon Martin. Or maybe he wants to shoot bad jumpshots like Kenyon Martin. It's possible he wants to reinvent himself as a good defender who thinks he's an elite defender like Kenyon Martin. Maybe he just likes holding backboards like Kenyon Martin.


That's all well and good. Maybe he'll be the number one draft pick some time. I don't know. But I do know that there is one thing that I just can't accept from Courtney Lee, and that is a comically bad tattoo of a rapper's lips on his neck.

Be careful, Courtney Lee.

A Businessman and a Business, Man

Somewhere in New Jersey or Russia...

Excuse me, sir. Are you Mr. Jay Z?
For shizzle, my nizzle.

Excellent. I am a successful Russian entrepreneur and I have some questions about your basketball squad. Where do you dribble?

Down in V-A.

I was lead to believe that you had ownership of the New Jersey Nets basketball club. As English is not my native language, perhaps I am confused. Is New Jersey part of V-A?

Ha-HA!

I assume that laugh is one of sarcasm, meaning that V-A and New Jersey are separate locales. I am interested in purchasing all or part of your New Jersey Nets basketballing club. I would not like to purchase your dribbling organization in V-A.

We don't believe you, you need more people.

Quite the opposite, Mr. Z. As I mentioned before, I am a successful Russian businessman. I have amassed a small fortune by selling Americans things that they think are extremely Russian. Items such as vodka, communism, eagle head soup, and tickets to ballet shows. This has proved to be very lucrative. So lucrative in fact, that I hope to replicate its success in my homeland. My first order of business is purchasing an American sports team that no one cares about, but that Russians think Americans care about. Hence, I'd like to offer several billion dollars to own these New Jersey Nets basketballers.

(puts on glasses)

Allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Hov.

Nets Executives Tour the Barclay Center

This is a guest post posted by the Brian Spaeths who usually posts about other things. He made a movie, and this one time we ate at a TGI Friday's together and talked about laughing.

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It's been awhile since I've written about the Nets at all, and between odes to Michael Jordan and the accompanying footnotes to David Robinson, et al, I saw these new designs for their long-rumored Brooklyn arena, the Barclays Center.

It looks nice and also it looks like a building, so I felt it'd be easy to piece together what the opening night might be like.

For real, that looks like a fun place. What do you think those two dudes are talking about, and are you pregnant -

Brian Spaeth is the writer and star of Who Shot Mamba?, a Broadband Motion Picture debuting October 13th on Koldcast.tv. You can see the first teaser-trailer on the website. Brian has also published two novels, and writes regularly at his own blog.

1000 Words: Missed You, Brook

Oh, Brook Lopez. Sometimes you make it too easy.

Nate McMillan Teaches Lawrence Frank Some Ghetto Sayings

Waaaaiiit....like this?

How many times do I have to tell you? Finger out, mouth open. That's how we do it in the hood. Burgaflickle.

Oh, word? Burgaflickle!

Man, white people CRAZY.

Robin and Brook Lopez Play Basketball Against Each Other

Robin: DUDE, let's mess with these guys. Like back when we used to tell Mom that I was you and she'd be all, "Brook stop eating Cheerios off the floor. And stop licking the walls!" She was SO mad. We've got to do something, exactly like that. It'll be AMAZING!

Brook: Oh, no doubt, bro. What are we gonna do? I mean, I'd love some Cheerios but we're supposed to look busy.

Robin: Dude, that sucks. Plus we're wearing different colors and my hair is, like, way sweeter than yours right now. There's gotta be something though.

Brook: Dude. I got it. On three, we're going to stare at Kevin Harris the exact same way. He will FREAK. OUT. Guaranteed.

Robin: Sometimes, I'm amazed at how smart you are. My mind gets, like, totally exploded, bro. On three.

One. Two. Three.

Brook: HOLY COW. He is totally freaking out. I can't believe he's still standing up. Ohmygosh, this is the BEST THING EVER!!!!

Robin: Seriously.

Brook: Seriously.

Robin: For realsies.

Brook: Seriously.

Robin: This is SO sweet. Let me ask you a SERIOUS question. Do you want to try it again?

Brook: Dude, we HAVE to. It'll be, like, even awesomer.

Robin: I have the best idea. On three, lean against me and look up. BUT KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN.

Brook: That is PERFECT!

Robin: One. Two. Three!

Brook: DUDE, we're doing it! We are LEVITATING AGAINST EACH OTHER! It feels so strange!

Robin: We are the best people ever right now. I love you so much. As a brother.

Brook: Okay. You almost freaked me out a little bit. I could do this forever.

Robin: We totally just discovered how to hover. We disc-hovered it! DUDE! Disc-HOVERED!

Brook: I KNEW Stanford was a smart school.

Brook Lopez Prepares for His First Press Conference

GOSH, guys. I don't WANNA do a press conference!

Can't I just stay home and play Wii? I never get to play Wii anymore. Ever since I got here it's been basketball, basketball, BASKETBALL. What do I have to do to get some alone time with New York Minute? That movie's AMAZING.

Seriously, what am I supposed to say at this dumb thing? I can't say I'm glad to be in New Jersey. It's frickin' NEW JERSEY. No one wants to come here. I can't say I'm excited to play for Frank Lawrence. I don't even remember what he looks like. UGH.

I miss Robin. He's probably running through sprinklers AGAIN. He has all the fun in Phoenix. He says they even let him use Funoodles in the team pool. Vince won't even let me read him my poems. It's so BORING here.

I need a nap.