A Businessman and a Business, Man

Somewhere in New Jersey or Russia...

Excuse me, sir. Are you Mr. Jay Z?
For shizzle, my nizzle.

Excellent. I am a successful Russian entrepreneur and I have some questions about your basketball squad. Where do you dribble?

Down in V-A.

I was lead to believe that you had ownership of the New Jersey Nets basketball club. As English is not my native language, perhaps I am confused. Is New Jersey part of V-A?

Ha-HA!

I assume that laugh is one of sarcasm, meaning that V-A and New Jersey are separate locales. I am interested in purchasing all or part of your New Jersey Nets basketballing club. I would not like to purchase your dribbling organization in V-A.

We don't believe you, you need more people.

Quite the opposite, Mr. Z. As I mentioned before, I am a successful Russian businessman. I have amassed a small fortune by selling Americans things that they think are extremely Russian. Items such as vodka, communism, eagle head soup, and tickets to ballet shows. This has proved to be very lucrative. So lucrative in fact, that I hope to replicate its success in my homeland. My first order of business is purchasing an American sports team that no one cares about, but that Russians think Americans care about. Hence, I'd like to offer several billion dollars to own these New Jersey Nets basketballers.

(puts on glasses)

Allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Hov.

Someone Needs to Monitor Michael Jordan's Brand

I'm a big fan of Michael Jordan (obviously - see above) and I'm nearly as big of a fan of his brand (obviously - see here). Howevsies, I'm just as big of a fan of pointing out things that don't make sense.

With those few things in mind, answer me this question:

Would someone please quality control Michael Jordan's endorsements?

When I was starting out this post, I needed to look at Michael Jordan Steaks. This is hilarious in and of itself, considering that a) why would Michael Jordan have a mail-order steak business and b) his restaurant in Chicago failed. But then, it took the page at least 5 minutes to load. Not an exaggeration where I say it took 5 minutes, but it was really like 30 seconds; a legit 5 minutes.

So when I finally get to the site, I find the image I need. Here it is:

I'm not entirely sure why they used an elderly Black man to sell Michael Jordan Steaks, but then again, I don't have a marketing degree. I'm sure it has something to do with urban markets/demographics/mail-order steak trends, but I'm surprised they just didn't use Michael Jordan.

But maybe I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, they modelled his Upper Deck figurine on Chris Rock:

Look, I know that everything post-Bulls hasn't been a roaring success. The Wizards were bad, then they fired you. The Bobcats are bad. That whole turning-your-restaurant-into-Sammy Sosa's restaurant thing seemed a little harsh. You signed Derek Anderson, Fred Jones, and Bobby Simmons to represent Team Jordan. Roy Jones (Team Jordan) started losing. Marvin Harrison (Team Jordan) shot a guy. You got divorced. I get it.

But can I ask one more question: would it kill you to slide somebody a couple thousand dollars to give your image a once-over? You're ruining our childhoods here.

Examining LeBron's Personal Brand

Last month, Esquire had a great expose about LeBron James and his managing team. The article shows how James' team of people are positioning the LeBron James brand to be bigger than the Jordan brand.

Not mentioned, Elton Brand.

The main crux of their plan is partnerships over sponsorships. Usually, the product benefits most from its association with the athlete, but this strategy allows LeBron to reap rewards (monetary and otherwise) to an equal degree.

With that in mind, here's a look at some of the latest in LeBron James products and what they mean to the LeBrand.

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Still at the center of the LeBron brand is his signature shoe. This year's model is the LeBron Zoom VI.

Also, there are NUMEROUS varieties of LeBron shoes for sale.

Zoom LeBron Soldier IIIZoom LeBron VI LowZoom Ambassador

As with the majority of LeBron shoes, these all look spectacularly clunky. That might be explained by LeBron's obvious hugeness, but it's also anti-thetical to branding. No one wants to be clunky, and LeBron's shoes (and coordinating clothing) always looks so needlessly bulky. These clothes and shoes are designed for a guy who is 6'8", 260 lbs. and it shows. Even his custom Air Force 25s are clunky.

These design follies are surely the reason that the LeBrons haven't caught on as a lifestyle shoe as Jordan's did. Even today, you'll see far more Air Jordans on the court than LeBrons. The reason is obvious; Jordans are innovative and generally classy, where LeBron's shoes use convential materials and their designs are just a bit off.

Unfortunately for LeBron and company, until the shoes take off, they'll never surpass the Jordan brand in viability. Jordan and his people understood this and built his brand that way. (Furthermore, the Air Jordan's limited availability helped to make it special. LeBron may have oversatured the market with his pairs upon pairs of shoes.) It wasn't until Jordan was an established marketing force that he expanded in to things like movies, racing, and the like. LeBron, however, is already branching out.

In HS, LeBron suffered from Taco Neck Syndrome.

About a month ago, LeBron's film premiered to rave reviews, a step that lends LeBron's brand additional clout and credibility. Additionally, the film (which examines his high school career) serves to build his legend.

There are, of course, other partnerships which are more unusual. For instance, LeBron and Ralph Lauren's Purple Label.

Yet another similarity between LeBron and Kanye.

As has been stated time and time again, LeBron wants to be a global icon and the first billionaire athlete. And while that is certainly feasible, the true test will be the respect and recognition that his brand gathers. Will he become another Jordan, serving as a fashion and business icon? Or will he be just another rich athlete?

The NBA Lays Off Employees

Recent reports are reporting that a reported 9% of the workforce is going to be let go, due to the financial crisis. The following is a list of candidates for dismissal.

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The Temp

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The Slob Who Can't Take Care of Himself

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Mr. Bean aka The Foreign Guy No One Likes Working With

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The Guy Who Falls Asleep at Work

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The Kid Who Takes Your Order at Taco Bell

-------------The Guy Who Shows Up Drunk to Work

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The Other Guy Who Shows Up Drunk to Work