Spike Lee Explains Things: A Blowtorch Joint

Aight, Mike, let's break it down. I'm not legally affiliated with the team, but I go to every Knicks game. Every single Knicks game. 41 a year, Mike. Ahmad here does a show once a week about the NBA, so he doesn't have to be at a lot of games, but he goes anyways. And then you. You run an actual NBA team. Kinda. The Bobcats, man. They're technically an NBA team, but you don't even go to the games. That sound right? That sound right?

And what's with the mock turtlenecks, Mike? Back in the day, GQ was all over you. Oh, Michael Jordan, best dressed and all that. But now you wear mock turtlenecks and mom jeans, man. Was they lying back then, Mike? I mean, Ahmad can't say too much. He got on a scarf and jacket cut from the same material, but you know better Mike. You know? Youknowyouknowyouknow?

I know you ain't want to hear it Money, but it needs to be said. Don't leave me hanging, Mike. I'm just trying to set you straight, man. C'mon Mike. C'monc'monc'mon. Awww...Mike. C'mon!

Scenes from the Hall of Fame Inductions

Friday afternoon...

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Robinson.

(crowd applauds)

Oh. My. Gosh. Johnny, is he really wearing jeans right now?

He is definitely wearing jeans. Ugh.

And they are WIDE LEGS. That's so '95.

Well look at his hair. Would it kill him to get some bangs and a sensible side part?

Let's just hope Michael says something to him.

Totes. He will.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Michael Jordan.

(crowd applauds)

Killer jeans, bro.

I just wanted to thank David Robinson. He knows why. He wore jeans today. Yeah, jeans. Wide leg jeans. That inspired me though. Saturday night, I'm wearing the widest wide leg jeans you can find. Any time I see David Robinson in jeans, I'm going to wear baggier jeans that him. You can count on that.

--------------

Saturday night...

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Michael Jordan.

(crowd applauds)

Oh don’t laugh, don’t laugh. Stylish jeans, like fears, are often just an illusion.

Kanye West Interrupts Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame Speech

You all might not know this, but EA Sports used to put a fake me in its NBA Live games. I played with him once in maybe 1996, and his rating wasn't 99, which kind of upset me. I'm not saying they messed up, but Live 97 had me at a 99.

NAW MAN. WAIT UP YO. THIS AIN'T RIGHT YO. LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT. I AIN'T SAYING MJ ISN'T GREAT CUZ HE IS, BUT I NEED TO SPEAK ON THIS.

What are you doing? I'm trying to remember every thing anyone ever did to offend me in the slightest, and you're interrupting me.

LOOK MIKE I'M SORRY TO BE TAKING AWAY FROM YOU BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE GREAT AND I LOVE YOUR GAME. BUT I CAN'T LET PEOPLE SAY YOU THE BEST WHEN ERRYBODY KNOWS HOW GREAT I AM.

This isn't cool, man. You're going to make my list.

WHAT? I PLAYED WITH LEBRON ONCE AND I HAD A TRIPLE DOUBLE. THAT MEANS I AVERAGED A TRIPLE DOUBLE AGAINST THE MVP. YES I DO KEEP TRACK OF MY STATS IN PICKUP GAMES. SO MIKE, YOU'RE GOOD BUT I'M THE BEST. WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE GREAT? I'M OUT.

I'd like to thank Kanye West for giving me the motivation to release my first rap record. I guarantee that any time I see him near a mic, I'm going at him.

The Worst Ever

As referenced in the previous post, here are my two terrible Jordan Brand clothing pieces. Like I said, these are so bad that I can only wear them when I know I'm not doing anything with my wife.

First, the tangerine elephant print jersey.

Now, the reversible zip-up blue vest. This side is blue elephant print and shiny like a fish.
This is the reversed side. As you can see, it zips up all the way, which is a great look, and not at all reminiscent of a dark time in our country's history.
And yes, you saw that right. It does have Mars Blackmon glasses printed on the hood.
I can't believe these weren't put in to mass production.

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects: Michael Jordan Thoughts

• My due date was February 17th, 1984, which was Michael Jordan's 21st birthday. As anyone who has studied Nordic mythology will tell you, sharing a birthday with someone gives you that person's powers, meaning that I was to inherit at least some of Michael Jordan's skills. However, my mom's womb was so warm, and her amniotic fluid so nourishing that I hung out for another two days and was finally born February 19th. As such, I became an average basketball player with a rump the size of Jahidi White's, with whom I share a birthday. Tough break.
  
  
• The second pair of shoes I remember owning as a child were aqua Sky Jordans.
  Back then, they called kids' sizes Sky rather than Air. I was convinced, at 6, that this was because theoretically, you could touch the sky, but not the air. Like there was ground, then sky, then air. Even with that reasoning, teachers let me skip first grade. Suckers.
  
  
• The first pair of shoes I remember owning were paint splattered Chuck Taylors.
  
  
• My history with the Air Jordan XI is well documented. Even though they're quite beat up and eight years old, I'm wearing them today.
  
  
• Jordans I have owned that I remember off the top of my head include: Jordan V (aqua), Jordan VI (black), Jordan VII (Olympic, black), Jordan XII (white), Jordan XI (white), Melo 4 (Oak Hill), Jordan 2009 (black).
  
  
• The Jordan 2009 is a sad story. I bought them about a week ago, brought them home, and wore them around the house for a little. Because my ankles are apparently made out of marshmallow, I returned the shoes and got LeBrons instead. It's the first time I've ever chosen LeBron over Jordan, and it made me have sadness at least 3%.
  
  
• I'm pretty proud that if you Google Image Search "Jordan XI," this website is the first result.
  
  
• All my life I've been told that Michael Jordan was a well-dressed man. He's been on the cover of GQ multiple times. I've now come to believe that this is one of the greatest myths of all time, because look at these.
  
  Then: Now:
  Liars!
  
  
• In a similar vein, I have two Jordan Brand samples that I got from a Nike store that my wife absolutely hates. One is a reversible blue zip-up vest, and the other is a bright orange elephant print jersey. These are kept in a special drawer where no one will see them, and I can't figure out why she doesn't like them.
  
  
• I'm of the opinion that Jordan should have been inducted in to the Hall of Fame immediately after he retired in 1998. Not only would this have honored Jordan like Gretzky had been, it probably would have kept him from returning to the Wizards as well. Win win.
  
  
• Michael Jordan is my favorite athlete of all-time. He tops a list that includes Deion Sanders, Dennis Rodman, Chipper Jones, and Ryne Sandberg by miles. My mom loved him. My dad loved him. My sister was in the Shaq fan club, but that's beside the point. My wife loved him. Her mom and dad loved him (they also loved Bill Wennington, and there's a candid picture of him displayed in my living room). I still watch his games on DVD. I still read everything I can about him. I can understand why people didn't like him, and that he's probably a terrible person, but he's one of my heroes. He's why I love basketball. He's why I love Nike. He's a big part of why I'm me.

Michael Jordan NBA All Star Legend

Michael Jordan-esque

I am ill today, and not in the Beastie Boys sense. However, I watched Game 5 of the '97 Finals this weekend, so it'd be insulting to recent Hall of Fame inductee Michael Jordan if I didn't produce some bloggable memes. That being said, I had to dig very deep in to the YouTube vaults to find Jordan videos that have no views. But here's two.

First, a Bulls-oriented promo where the producers blew most of their budget on writing a Robert Palmer parody and only had enough money left for two words from Jordan.

And of course, Michael Jordan being a normal guy. Renewing his license, dressing like Samuel L. Jackson, and blinking during his picture. Because Michael Jordan is nothing, if not a totally normal guy who is in no way different than any of us.

What Happened Was

I was in Canada (the country) for three days, and just returned to a totally different NBA. And it's not just the NBA that changed, it's everything about America. Maybe I'm just seeing things in a different light, now that I've experienced a completely different culture, but things aren't making sense.

When I left, so many moons ago, cloning was illegal. Now, it appears that if you have enough money you can pay someone to make your identical double to give you back rubs and laugh at your jokes even if they aren't funny.

And that's not the only genetic modifications that are now allowed. Always ahead of the curve, the Spurs have somehow found a way to make their players 15% larger than they usually are. The advantages of this are numerous. Not only are scoring, rebounding, and defending far easier, kneeing people in the genitals is almost commonplace after the size increase procedure.

I'm not terribly surprised because Obama. He's changing things (mostly basketball-related genetics, obviously). But it was a little weird to me that David Stern decided to change the rules of basketball when they've been the same for so long. That he's no allowing Greco Roman wrestling during games is off-putting. That it occurs between a Spaniard and a Frenchman is all the more jarring.

And to top things off, the Kings retired my Dad's number. I mean, I've always enjoyed playing with him; he's a great passer and suprisingly nimble, but I'm not sure why an NBA team is retiring his jersey when he's never played in the NBA.

Canada is so much different than America, and I spent so much time deeply embedded in their culture that it's been such a hard adjustment coming back. In time, I hope to understand this fascinating new league.

Michael Jordan The Greatest Basketball Player

Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time. His leaping ability, illustrated by performing slam dunks from the free throw line at Slam Dunk Contests, earned him the nicknames "Air Jordan" and "His Airness." He also gained a reputation as one of the best defensive players in basketball.

Happy Birthday, Michael Jordan

On this day, 46 years ago, Michael Jordan was born. Approximately 24 years later he was creeping people out with his slow motion grin.



Happy Birthday, Michael Jordan.

Someone Needs to Monitor Michael Jordan's Brand

I'm a big fan of Michael Jordan (obviously - see above) and I'm nearly as big of a fan of his brand (obviously - see here). Howevsies, I'm just as big of a fan of pointing out things that don't make sense.

With those few things in mind, answer me this question:

Would someone please quality control Michael Jordan's endorsements?

When I was starting out this post, I needed to look at Michael Jordan Steaks. This is hilarious in and of itself, considering that a) why would Michael Jordan have a mail-order steak business and b) his restaurant in Chicago failed. But then, it took the page at least 5 minutes to load. Not an exaggeration where I say it took 5 minutes, but it was really like 30 seconds; a legit 5 minutes.

So when I finally get to the site, I find the image I need. Here it is:

I'm not entirely sure why they used an elderly Black man to sell Michael Jordan Steaks, but then again, I don't have a marketing degree. I'm sure it has something to do with urban markets/demographics/mail-order steak trends, but I'm surprised they just didn't use Michael Jordan.

But maybe I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, they modelled his Upper Deck figurine on Chris Rock:

Look, I know that everything post-Bulls hasn't been a roaring success. The Wizards were bad, then they fired you. The Bobcats are bad. That whole turning-your-restaurant-into-Sammy Sosa's restaurant thing seemed a little harsh. You signed Derek Anderson, Fred Jones, and Bobby Simmons to represent Team Jordan. Roy Jones (Team Jordan) started losing. Marvin Harrison (Team Jordan) shot a guy. You got divorced. I get it.

But can I ask one more question: would it kill you to slide somebody a couple thousand dollars to give your image a once-over? You're ruining our childhoods here.

From Out of Right Field: Unfair Advantages

Editor's Note: This is the first WTB post for my good friend Ben. He is hilarious, and has been so gracious as to offer to write some stories "From Out of Right Field" from time to time. Treat him nice, and enjoy.

Recently, Michael Witte wrote a little piece for Editor & Publisher entitled “Exclusive: Barry Bonds’ Home Run Record Tainted by Mechanical Device?” in which he argues that Bonds owes at least some of his success to the giant protective pad which he wears on his right elbow. I applaud Witte for his efforts in exposing this instance of an athlete using a mechanical device to improve his game. However, why stop there, I ask? Witte, like the rest of the media, has ignored the most blatant of all machine-wielding offenders. What I am going to say next may shock some readers, so if you are easily offended, you may want to cover your eyes for this next part.

Like Barry Bonds, who clearly enjoys an unfair mechanical advantage, Michael Jordan should be stricken from the record books.

Let me repeat that: Michael Jordan should be stricken from the record books.

“But Ben,” you are probably saying right now, “I have never seen His Airness doing anything that would give him an unfair advantage in a game of basketball. Just who the hell do you think you are, going around saying these things about one of the greatest sports legends to ever grace this earth?”

To which I will respond thusly. No matter what anybody tells you, Michael Jordan did enjoy an unfair mechanical advantage. I am sick and tired of people looking the other way, refusing to acknowledge the sheer magnitude of his advantage. I am sickened by the silence of the mainstream media on this issue. I simply cannot bear it any longer. If nobody else is going to say it, I will—Michael Jordan is a cyborg.

There. I said it. Robotic implants have incalculably improved his abilities on the court. If Barry Bonds is going to be given an asterisk for his unfair advantage, MJ needs an entire pile of them. You have all seen him play. There is no way any human being can do the things that Mike can do.

“But Ben,” I hear you saying again, “Michael’s greatness comes solely from hard work and natural talent—not from some self-regulating integration of artificial and natural systems. There is nothing robotic about him.”

To which I reply: Bull!

I have seen the schematics. Hydraulic servos in his arms and legs give him inhuman speed, strength and agility. A hidden jetpack allows for dazzling displays of aerial acrobatics. Enhanced tactical sensors in his fingertips give unparalleled ball control. He has retinal implants that instantly calculate distances and angles which lend uncanny accuracy in shooting and passing. The reason he sticks his tongue out when dunking is because he has a micro-radar system mounted in there which guides his dunks straight to the basket. Telescoping arms make rebounding a snap. Self-recharging dual lithium-SOCl₂ batteries give him a near-infinite supply of energy. Strategically placed synthetic diamond cooling heat sinks ensure a near-constant internal temperature. Artificial vocal cords can mimic any voice—frequently confusing opponents into giving away turnovers. Tank treads in his feet simply roll over anybody in his way while an alpha wave emitter in his knee emits a referee-confusing beam—eliminating any possibility of having a foul called against him. Special telepathy nodes in his brain let him read the other teams’ thoughts, enabling him counter their every move. Laser beam eyes vaporize any opponents who are foolish enough to even think about stealing a ball. Every part of him is modular and made of readily available, interchangeable parts—which make for easy maintenance, repair and replacement—even while on the road. Still don’t believe me? Then answer me this—why do you think the Bulls kept Dennis Rodman around for so long? His only purpose was to keep people from noticing the glowing ‘standby’ light on the back of Michael’s head.

Any way you look at it, Robo-Jordan enjoys an unfair advantage and is unstoppable on the court. For this, all of his ‘achievements’ should be stricken from the record books. He even has a built-in AM/FM radio with cassette deck and in-trunk six CD changer. My car doesn’t even have that.

It simply isn’t fair.

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