Chill Out Justin TimberLakers

Look, Justin Timberlake, I like you. I've seen you in concert twice solo and once with *NSYNC. I bought both of your records the day they came out. One time, I signed autographs at a mall because these two young girls thought I was you and it made their day. I even didn't think Alpha Dog was THAT bad. I mean, it was pretty bad, but I've seen worse movies. Like The Love Guru.

Just kidding, I didn't see The Love Guru. Everything else was true though. And Black Snake Moan was even enjoyable most of the time. My point is, in general, I think you're a pretty legit bro. But why don't you relax with the Justin Timberlaking for a little bit?

You were at the Lakers game last night, kissing your Jessica Biel (who, let's be honest, has kinda fallen off since I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry) and dancing. Now, I understand that you can't help dancing all the time; it's what you do! And you do it well, but come on. We both know you're not really a Lakers fan.

You're from Tennessee, right? People in Tennessee don't like basketball. We both know this. They like football, sometimes golf, NASCAR, and racial insensitivity. I know you like golf (INTENSE) and I remember *NSYNC playing football on MTV or something like that. You don't have to act all Justin Timberlake all the time, just because you're at the Lakers game.

Okay, you did play in all those weird charity games back when you and Britney would wear matching jerseys, but you were terrible. I guess that means you have a little bit of credibility in that sector, but I'm just asking you to chill out with all the Justin Timberlake-ness. Maybe just be like 25% strength Timberlake. The girls will still go crazy, and guys will probably not hate you as much.

By all means, go to the Lakers game, if you must. But you don't need to wear a zany hat AND wacky glasses AND a jacket that you designed. And you certainly don't have to be "on" all the time. Look at your smile, Justin. No one is that happy at a Jazz game.

Basketball if fun, so keep having your fun. You don't have to be Super Fan #1. Look at Jack, he's more famous than everyone on the court other than Kobe and he just sits there like a normal human, checks out girls a third his age, and occasionally yells at refs. You don't see him dancing around all nimbly pimbly like Fred Astaire on Adderall.

One last thing; be nice to Andy Garcia, please. That guy can't get a decent seat for the life of him. People are still pretty mad about the third Godfather.

Baby Boom: Update

At this point things are just getting outrageous. As I noted late last week, athlete babies seem to be at an all time high. The list at that point, all within a week's time, included Bruce Bowen, LeBron James, Lisa Leslie, Shawn Springs, Rocky McIntosh, Carlos Silva, and Juan Rincon. Since then Tiger Woods has become a father, and Jeff Gordon is set to have a child "at any time". With nine prominent athletes now having had children in the past two weeks, there is little doubt that something very special must have been happening last September when all of these babies would have been conceived. There still only remains one explanation: the September run of Justin Timberlake's "Sexyback" atop the charts.

Baby Boom

Bruce Bowen

LeBron James

Lisa Leslie

Shawn Springs

Rocky McIntosh

So what do these five athletes have in common? Amazingly, all five have had newborn children in the past week. Is there any sort of explanation for this sudden pro athlete baby boom? Well, we are on the case ladies and gentlemen, and our first stop is the scene of the crime (or inception in this case): Mid-September 2006. So what was going on during that time that could have gotten so many athletes feeling frisky all at once?

The big news story of the week was the Pope offending essentially the entire Muslim world. Hmm....probably not what we are looking for. Lets see...the top movie in the country was Gridiron Gang...not exactly the most romantic movie around. A HA!!! Take a gander at what was on top of the music charts that week. That is right ladies and gentlemen, it appears that this baby boom was a direct result of the unstoppable force that is..."Sexyback". Evidently the constant playing of the song did indeed motivate the above atheletes to get their sexy back, and it probably helped that the #3 song that week was the ever so discreet "Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls. So there you have it. Not only do the five above athletes have babies, they probably also have Justin Timberlake on their iPods from 9 months ago.

UPDATE: Thanks to reader Matt for this tip. Evidently Twins teammates Carlos Silva and Juan Rincon also had children last week. The power of the Sexyback is growing...