Utah Jazz Fans Are Such Babies

Oh, please, Utah Jazz fans. Stop being such stupid babies. You're always whining about pureed carrots, or Chris Paul, or that you need a nap. Enough already.

I mean, seriously, stop acting so infantile. We're all grown-ups here. Well, except for you. I can't believe how immature you're being about all of this.

Yeah, great, you have a Carlos Boozer jersey. I guess that explains why you cry so much. Could you please stop with the crying? No, Deron Williams is not better than Chris Paul and I will not get you your blanket. I offered to get you your blanket earlier and you said you were hot. Make up your mind.

I've had just about enough of your neediness and approval-seeking behavior. Not to mention that your grasping reflex is endlessly frustrating. And the tantrums. PLEASE stop with the tantrums. You look like an idiot. I don't know how many different ways I can explain that Paul Millsap is just as good as Carlos Boozer, so stop crying. You can burp yourself if that's how you're going to act.

You are so selfish. When was the last time you fixed me a meal? Or admitted that Matt Harpring wasn't good? I can tell you: never. Would it kill you to feed me some strained peas from a tiny glass jar?

Seriously, I'm not getting your blanket no matter how loud you cry. You've got your binky, isn't that enough? Of course it isn't. It never is for you. Let me guess, you want me to tell you that you can win a championship this year. That's it, right? Well too bad.

You've got a lot of growing up to do.

Baby Boom: Update

At this point things are just getting outrageous. As I noted late last week, athlete babies seem to be at an all time high. The list at that point, all within a week's time, included Bruce Bowen, LeBron James, Lisa Leslie, Shawn Springs, Rocky McIntosh, Carlos Silva, and Juan Rincon. Since then Tiger Woods has become a father, and Jeff Gordon is set to have a child "at any time". With nine prominent athletes now having had children in the past two weeks, there is little doubt that something very special must have been happening last September when all of these babies would have been conceived. There still only remains one explanation: the September run of Justin Timberlake's "Sexyback" atop the charts.

Baby Boom

Bruce Bowen

LeBron James

Lisa Leslie

Shawn Springs

Rocky McIntosh

So what do these five athletes have in common? Amazingly, all five have had newborn children in the past week. Is there any sort of explanation for this sudden pro athlete baby boom? Well, we are on the case ladies and gentlemen, and our first stop is the scene of the crime (or inception in this case): Mid-September 2006. So what was going on during that time that could have gotten so many athletes feeling frisky all at once?

The big news story of the week was the Pope offending essentially the entire Muslim world. Hmm....probably not what we are looking for. Lets see...the top movie in the country was Gridiron Gang...not exactly the most romantic movie around. A HA!!! Take a gander at what was on top of the music charts that week. That is right ladies and gentlemen, it appears that this baby boom was a direct result of the unstoppable force that is..."Sexyback". Evidently the constant playing of the song did indeed motivate the above atheletes to get their sexy back, and it probably helped that the #3 song that week was the ever so discreet "Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls. So there you have it. Not only do the five above athletes have babies, they probably also have Justin Timberlake on their iPods from 9 months ago.

UPDATE: Thanks to reader Matt for this tip. Evidently Twins teammates Carlos Silva and Juan Rincon also had children last week. The power of the Sexyback is growing...