Some Bros Talk Basketball

Bro, last night was RIDICULOUS.

For real, bro. Crazy.

Kobe, bro.

Bro. Kobe.

I know, bro.

At first I was like, "yoooooooo b, hook it up with the ball." But then I was like, "nice."

Exactly.

Exactly.

Pretty tyte, bro.

For real.

Shannon Brown: What are you guys talking about?

One Picture, Every Decade

I was checking out this picture of two floppy-haired bros shooting hoops against each other.

And I was looking at it really intense style and then I unlocked the key, which isn't how that metaphor works. But I uncovered the hidden message. I think it's a Da Vinci Code thing, because this picture recalls every era of NBA basketball, except for the 1940 which hardly count.

BREAK-DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

• 50s - non-muscular, light skinned legs, a hallmark of the early all white NBA.
• 60s - unkempt 'power to the people' hair and ineffective headbandery recalls the Summer of Love
  
• 70s - faux-tro wine and gold Cleveland Cavaliers uniforms
• 80s - too short shorts
• 90s - a center part and five o'clock shadow, ladies
  
• 00s - pointlessly updated Los Angeles Lakers jerseys
• 10s - this picture was taken in 2010

So basically this is the perfect picture for our times. Every true NBA fan would have it tattooed on their back, with the annotations so that it makes sense.

The NBA is a melting pot. We put in European and Argentinean chocolates, melt those chocolates together, and then after they have combined to form a nice Euro-Argentine chocolate paste we spread it on wheat toast and maybe put a little honey on top of the chocolate paste and enjoy it. Maybe we have another piece or maybe we get diabetes, we can't see the future.

"Tomorrow never knows." -- Ringo Starr
"For real." -- Trey Kerby

1000 Words: Typical Front Row Laker Fans

Pau Gasol, He Ereses La Cana a Lot

That's what I'm always saying. I scream it a lot. I'm always like, "Pau eres la cana! Yeah!" People don't really get it, but you two get it. You know what I mean. Because if there's anyone who really eres la cana it's Pau Gasol, am I right?

The funny thing is, I don't really speak that much Spanish. And even less Catalan. But I'm pretty sure that when I say "Pau eres la cana," which is A LOT, I'm speaking the truth. That dude LOVES to eres la cana. Loves it. It's basically his favorite thing besides hook shots and making his hands look like deer hooves.

I don't know though. I guess it would make sense that I check in to what it actually means instead of just telling all my friends that Pau Gasol eres la cana. Well, I guess I've already told all my friends, but it couldn't hurt to check it out before I tell them again. Let's see here.

"Peace eras the sugarcane?" That doesn't even make sense. Is this some sort of code? It doesn't even reference Pau Gasol. This is really embarrassing. All this time, when I was yelling "Pau eres la cana," I thought I was just saying something like "Pau, you're a baller," or, "Pau, you're beard is okay." I definitely didn't think I was propagandizing on behalf of the Sugarcane Peace Coalition.

Thanks for nothing, Spain.

Here's How Bad the Hornets Are

Whoops, Adam Morrison got his first picture of the year taken against your team. It was a wide open jumper. It went in.

My First Acting Role

As y'all know, I've been trying to break in to 'show business' for quite some time. In February of last year, I wrote/directed/produced/starred in The Brad Miller Show (returning SOON, probably) which was a pretty big hit on the Internet. A lot of people compared it to the fourth season of The Wire, because it was so beautifully shot and authentic. Apparently, my work on TBMS opened some eyes, because just this weekend I co-starred in CSI: Miami with Pau Gasol of the Los Angeles Lakers.

Bros.

It was pretty chill. I learned a lot of things about Pau. For instance, he shaves hourly. His 'beard' just grows back that fast. Additionally, he taught me how to make all those crazy faces he makes. (I was a stunt double and had to be able to perfectly mimic him.)

Nailed it.

He says it's all in the sternocleidomastoid. That neck muscle gives Pau a lot of facial power and expressiveness. It was really interesting to learn 'crazy face' from a pro.

I also found out a bunch of inside info from Lakers training camp:

• Lamar Odom uses a Magic 8-Ball to make every decision in his life.
• Andrew Bynum smells like Listerine.
• Luke Walton likes soda.
• Phil Jackson's car is green.

Pretty invaluable stuff. I'm really glad I had this opportunity, and I hope that my performance opens the door for bigger and better acting roles. I really think I have a future in 'the Biz'.

"If you can make it in the suburbs of Chicago, you can make it anywhere." - Trey Kerby, October 15, 2009

Communication Problems in Los Angeles

Ron, we on the same team. You don't have to guard me anymore.

Knees bent. See the ball. On the line, up the line.

Ron, did you hear me? Stop guarding me.

I miss you, Michael. I miss you so much.

Stephen Jackson is under the basket shooting a layup right now.

I'ma boil me some boot stew. For reals.

Wonderful. They just scored because you're guarding me.

Love being a Laker so much. Sup, Kobe? You say something?

Lamar Odom's Shirt from the Future Has a New Girlfriend

I still remember the day we all saw Lamar Odom's future shirt. It was pretty exciting because we got to see the kind of clothes that we will all be wearing someday. I did a bit of research and found out that his shirt is named The Shirt, and is made of a polymer compound that not only adjusts to body heat, but also the wearer's mood. When I found out that last part, I was kind of sad for Lamar.

As you can tell from his face, he's a little confused here. But after reading up on The Shirt, I discovered that the reflective strips throughout The Shirt tighten when they sense anxiety. You can see how the shoulder strips are very bunched together, as if to say, "will there even be a future where I exist?" They could also be saying "which of these two hats should I choose?" The manual is unclear about this.

However, it appears that his Shirt has found a new reason to live. I found this picture of The Shirt and its new girlfriend Khloe Kardashian during my hourly perusal of every gossip blog on the Internet:

Look how straight and loose his shoulder strips are. His button placket is also very flat and elongated. These are both good signs. Not only does it ensure that The Shirt is working correctly (confirmed by his grin), it also proves that there is a use for this Shirt in the future, and that there will probably be a future where we all wear these Shirts.

Now, my only concern is that The Shirts will turn on us and Will Smith will have to save us, but he's really good at that so we should be fine.

A Couple of Hipsters Play Basketball

In Silverlake...Hipster at the Top of the Key: Hey, "pass" me "the ball."

Hipster with the Ball: Hold on, man. I'm going to try that hook shot Kareem used to do in the 80s. Style was so much cooler back then. Not to mention, I liked Kareem better back when he was Lew Alcindor.

Hipsters in Crowd: (nod heads with arms crossed over chest)

Hipster with the Ball: Foul. Chill out, this isn't a Limp Bizkit concert.

Hipsters in the Crowd: (snicker to themselves while nodding their heads)

Man in Disguise: Hey guys. Mind if I play?

Hipster Coach: Whatever, man. We can't tell you what you can or can't do. That's why we're in this league. We have the freedom that teams in major sports leagues don't have. That makes our brand of basketball a lot more authentic than those sell-outs.

Man in Disguise: Word.

(Man in Disguise runs an offense that no one else on the court knows.)

(Man in Disguise throws a back door pass to a cutter that isn't there.)

(Man in Disguise fends off the advances of Britney Spears, who just happens to be walking by in a bikini, since that's all she wears now.)

(Man in Disguise misses an open 15 foot jumper.)

(Time out is called.)

Hipster Coach: You need to relax, man. If you haven't noticed, we're trying to play with a detached sense of ironic cool. You're playing like a real bro.

Man in Disguise: I have to confess. I'm Luke Walton of the Los Angeles Lakers. I'm just trying to get in shape for the season, and I happened to see you guys playing out here. I got this mustache and bandana so I could fit in. No one wants to actually stand out.

Hipster Coach: Cool, man. We all love your dad. There's a few of us out here who look like him.

Luke Walton: I've noticed. Kind of weirds me out. He wasn't a great looking man.

Hipster Coach: You just don't understand us.

Luke Walton: That's probably true, for I am a Bro at heart. I'll be going now.

-------------

Phone rings playing "Lovegame"...Hipster Knicks Fan: What? Hipster Lakers Fan: You're not going to believe this. Luke Walton just came down to play at Silverlake. Then he left.

Hipster Knicks Fan: Of course he did. It's just like the Lakers to try and co-opt the counter culture. I'm so over the Lakers.

Hipster Lakers Fan: Poser.

Hipster Knicks Fan: Sell out.

photos via CobraSnake, Village Voice, the Dirty, and LATFH

A Couple of Hipsters Talk About the NBA

Grizzly Bear's alright, I guess. If you like glossy production and a complete detachment from humanity. Everyone knows Horn of Plenty is their best record.
(phone rings)
What up?
Wazzzzzzzzzup?

Really? Is this 1999?

I was being ironic.

Yeah. Hilarious, bro.
(rolls eyes)
So what's up?

Just calling to say how much more authentic the Lakers are. I mean, we're even more New York than you.

Whatever. I don't even care. The Knicks sold out when they hired Pringles. The teams with Marbury and Crawford were way more real. Way more street, which is what's important to me. I mean, I love mixtape rap. Plus, you're team is overproduced.

That's what you said about Neon Bible, too. You need to get over that. The emotions are still real. Ron Artest is real. Lamar Odom is real.

Kobe's so contrived it's humiliating. The only worthwhile guy on your team is Vujacic. At least he hasn't sold out. Plus he looks like the dude from Fischerspooner.

You didn't even know about Vujacic until I told you about him. Not to mention, he's gone mainstream. I can't believe how out of the loop you are. You probably haven't even heard of Chinemelu Elonu, who's my favorite Laker.

Sell out.

Poser.

Can you guys shut up? I can't hear this Limp Bizkit record over your incessant blabbering.

photos via CobraSnake and Village Voice

LeBron, Kobe, and the Battle of Asia

Kinda worried about Asia, guys. Follow this chain of events:

First, Kobe Bryant forces the Lakers to sign Sun Yue as an olive branch of sorts to the Chinese. However, because it's Kobe, there's more to the signing. He knows that adding a Chinese player to the roster increases his visability in China. Following the signing, Kobe makes Sun Yue sit next to him on every airplane and bus ride they take, even though he doesn't speak a word of Chinese.

Then, LeBron James convinces Nike to run in ad campaign in China, depicting him as the rightful heir to the throne formerly inhabited by the Bearded Man and Young Girl. As all Chinese know, these two former rulers were ousted by the Angry Man who has tyrannically ruled over China for centuries. Not until LeBron have the Chinese had a worthy adversary to Angry Man.

Then, Kobe takes a tour of Asia where he promotes his super light shoe. At every turn he derides LeBron's shoe for being too clunky. The Chinese take a liking to Kobe's shoes, mostly because they look better with high-end denim. Also, they're not that upset with Angry Man, he's just misunderstood.

Angered that Kobe has usurped his throne as reigning shoe maven in China, LeBron installs a massive video screen in his house that allows him to interact with the Chinese in real time. The video screen is wired in to China's closed circuit television mainframe, which gives LeBron the ability to interrupt any program with very important news. As you can see, the Chinese are delighted.

Finally, Kobe commissions the construction of a large, friendly looking robot which has been embraced by the Chinese. Unbeknownst to them, however, the robot is programmed so that if LeBron ever interrupts a Kobe commeercial or program it will systematically destroy whichever metropolis it is near. Savvy as he is, Kobe informed LeBron of this robot's capabilities and programming, leaving the onus on LeBron to not invoke it's wrath, in essence limiting LeBron's television control.

As you can see, LeBron and Kobe are at a standstill in the Asian markets. This perilous truce could eventually lead to out and out destruction and sure retaliation. I encourage you to write your local councilman protesting the arms race in Asia and the Pacific Islands. It is only a matter of time before these two rivals incite a third World War.

Hands On at Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp

Hey campers. It's week six here at Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp, hosted by Phil Jackson. We've already gone over a lot of the basics such as dramatic acting, really dramatic acting, and comedic acting. Today we've got a special treat. Towards the end here, I like to bring in one of my prized pupils to show you some acting games that will help you master improvization. Boys and girls, please give a warm welcome to the newest member of the New Orleans Hornets, Emeka Okafor!

First, we'll play a game called "mimic." In this game, which I made up, Emeka is going to do exactly what I do. Watch closely and you'll see how we each change our face just enough to look exactly like the other person, like we're mimicing them. That's where the name comes from. I'll begin.

Perfect. Next.


No. Again.
No. Again.
Better. One more.
Can't you do another face? Let's try another game.

In this exercise, I call out an emotion, and Emeka will perform that emotion. I invented this game too, and it's called "Emotions." Hopefully, it goes a little better than the last one.

Okay, happy.

Good. Angry!

Perfect! Sexy!

Yes! Constipated!EXCELLENT! Unconstipated!
PERFECT!

Did you see that kids?! Emeka nailed every emotion I could think of, and he did it smoothly and with ease. Now, get with your partners, and give these games a try. We'll pick it up together in half an hour.