A Very Effective Shark Imitation

Michael Beasley: Hey, check me out. I'm a shark. RRRRRRRRROOOWWWWWR. Buh dut. Buuuuh dut. Buuuuh dut. Buh dut buh dut buh dut buh dut SNEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Rafer Alston: Hahahahahahhaha. That's funny, man. Is that fin real?

Michael Beasley: Yeah, cuz I'm a shark.

Rafer Alston: Hahahahahahhaha. That's funny, man. Hahahahahahhaha. Man, that's funny, man. Hahahahahahhaha. Oh, sup basketball.

Michael Beasley: SHARKSKETBALL! SNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

The Best Part of Dwyane Wade's "Homecoming" Episode

Did you guys watch the Dwyane Wade episode of "Homecoming with Rick Reilly?" Rick Reilly is super awkward and wears Michael Jordan jeans, so I can't blame you if you missed the show.

ANYWAYS, I watched the show and I'm glad I did, because of hot chicks. Check out this clip that I ripped from the episode using the most advanced audio/video technology available. At about the 16 second mark you're going to see the hottest chick I've ever seen. It lasts like five seconds, so you know the producers think she's hot too.



Am I right? So hot. Like the Nike Air Lavadomes in the summer. That's how hot.

That super fresh hovering purple shoulder to the right of the screen, that's me. I was on the street that night, doing some serious reporting. And that girl? She's my wife.

So basically Dwyane Wade picked my wife to be on his show, which was filmed in Chicago, which means he's going to come play for the Bulls next season to be closer to her. I'm not worried. I've got a basketball championship, too. Plus I'm taller. Plus he has the same name as her dad, so that would be really weird. Totally advantage me.

Shavlik Randolph is Feelin' It

Oh yeah, Shav. Shoot those free throws. Your free throw game is looking tyte, bro. You know it too. I see you, pursing your lips trying to act all nonchalant when it's pretty obvious that this is your thing. Free throws, man. Child's play.

The haircut, the scraggly armpit hair, the dusting of actual arm hair that makes you look like your glowing? Super fresh. Super. Fresh. You look like a regular Michael Doleac out there.

I can't be mad at you, Shavlik. You know what's up. Feelin' it.

Feelin' it.

Happy Valentine's Day

The Blowtorch Presents ... Anticipatory Remarks

Pound for pound, I'm pretty live on the mic

Oh, what's that you say? You'd like to hear a podcast of the silliness you normally just read?

Fine.

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Anticipatory Remarks

Wherein:

• Marc Gasol is discussed.
• The word "gregarious" is used. Twice.
• Mario Chalmers is slandered.
• Clay Bennett raps.

Enjoy.

UPDATE:

1000 Words: Shaun Livingston and Chris Quinn Warm-Up

The Heat have DIRE needs at point guard.

User Generated Content

Remember the Erik Spoelstra Green Screen Challenge? HUGE SUCCESS. Well, a couple of jacks sent in some Spoelstra goodness. And they're actually very nice.

"Spoelstrito"

"Erikong"

Since it was only these two, I'm keeping my fine linens.

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I hope you haven't forgotten about that legendary day when Antoine Walker participated in a defensive drill in practice. A refresher:

ANYHOW, the following exchange occurred in the comments. Friend of The Blowtorch, Devine, tells it like it is.

Apparently, my blog is "trash." And since I don't know what posting comments "as people" means, I'll just say, "Hi hater."

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I'm doing things with Matt for his previews, so check over there.

Take the Erik Spoelstra Green Screen Challenge!

Here's another Media Day delight. Erik Spoelstra, the new Heat coach, was photographed by himself. Ergo, THE ERIK SPOELSTRA GREEN SCREEN CHALLENGE!

Here's a template:

And here are my submissions.

"Conscience"

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"The Temp"

Send your submissions to theblowtorch AT gmail. Best one wins a case of fine linens.

Michael Beasley

Shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.