Performance Enhancers for the Portland Trailblazers

One of the things that I'm always telling Matt Moore is how I want every NBA player to completely maximize their potential. Clearly, this will never happen. However, thanks to certain shadowy connections I have made, I have procured the following items for the Portland Trailblazers basketball team. They have the pieces to challenge the Lakers and Spurs in the West, so I thought that giving them a little extra help would raise the level of the league just a touch. Here is what I acquired:

Robot Legs

For: Greg Oden

Advantages: Supports brittle bones that have been ravaged by osteoporosis. Improves lateral quickness. Improves jumping quickness. Looks awesome.

Disadvantages: The only thing heavier than his actual legs.

Hook for a Hand

For: Lamarcus Aldridge

Advantages: Aids in grabbing tough rebounds. Frightens opposing players. Looks awesome.

Disadvantages: Occasionally falls off of arm stump. Turns player in to a monster.

Shoe Lifts

For: Jerryd Bayless

Advantages: Makes player appear taller, therefore allowing him to play shooting guard.

Disadvantages: Kind of sissy.

Nunchucks

For: Brandon Roy

Advantages: Just seems like he'd like nunchucks.

Disadvantages: None.

Muscle Milk

For: Nicolas Batum

Advantages: Adds muscle. Tastes like milk.

Disadvantages: For bros.

Explaining Hook Shots

The hook shot is something near and dear to my heart. When the Trey Kerby YouTube mixtape (currently in production) finally drops, you best believe that there will be significant hooking involved, along with a very loud and ignorant rap song. That's the YouTube way.

Given these credentials, I'm pretty much the internet's leading expert on the hook shot. Furthermore, I have a degree in Health Science which allows me to explain things by using physics. Also, MS Paint lines/Helvetica.

Our first case is Yao Ming: Notice the three main elements that make a successful hook shot:

1. Full extension of the shooting arm.
2. Body and off-arm shield the defender from blocking the shot.
3. Strange facial expression.

Let us compare this to Dwight Howard:

As you can see, Dwight has his elbow bent which prevents him from getting the proper arc on his hook. Plus his body is nearly facing his defender, whom he hasn't shielded with his off-arm. However, his face is pretty crazy, so that's working for him.

Now another successful hook shotta, Tim Duncan:Fully extended. Defender shielded. Face showing no emotion due to his cyborg innards. Two out of three ain't bad. MEATLOAF QUOTE.

Anyways, when Duncan decides to get balanced and shoot a real hook, it's perfect. Surprising. Of course, if you were Tim Duncan and could throw up anything and have it go in, why wouldn't you? Because you would. You know you would.

But here's Greg Oden:

While his arm is extended and he's trying to shield the defender, he just isn't doing it right. His hooks look like when your high school coach teaches you a hook shot, so you try it in a JV game and airball it short. But you got fouled and make both free throws anyway, so whatever. That's exactly what it looks like. His arm needs to be extended so that he can get some separation from his defender.

Here's our last comparison.

First, Pau Gasol:Good extension, shielding, and separation. Being that it's Pau Gasol, obviously his face is insane. THIS IS ONE OF THE KEYS.

But fellow European (not really) Kosta Koufas isn't so great:I guess if you're a Jazz fan, you love this hook shot and think it's better than Chris Paul. But it's wrong in a lot of ways. But it's Kosta Koufos, so it's basically irrelevant. But you should note that if you can't gain separation any other way, a solid kick in the groin is a great way to get your shot off too. Just ask Joel Pryzbilla.

But fear not, fellow humans, even if you go outside right now (don't go outside right now, it's cold) and shoot your first hook shot ever, you'll still be better than Josh McRoberts:

Greg Oden Feels Pretty

I feel pretty,

Oh, so pretty

That the city should give me its key.

A committee

Should be organized to honor me.

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects - the Great Oden's Foot Edition

• Maybe a week ago, Matt and I were talking about the prospects of Greg Oden. I'm in the "best dude ever" camp; Matt's a little more subdued/skeptical/other word starting with S. The main crux of his argument is that Oden might be injury-prone. I said, "worrying about injuries is silly." Matt got salty.
  
  However, Matt also appears to be right. It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and today, I'm that big man.
• Due to internet obligations/my DVR being occupied by Dancing with the Stars and Without a Trace (not my choices), I only got to see about 10 minutes of the Bulls game. That's too bad, as it appears they are both exciting and maybe decent. Tyrus Thomas had a good game and Derrick Rose is for real. Larry Hughes being injured sure doesn't help hurt either.
• Skeets mentioned it last night, but I whole-heartedly agree that one of the best parts of the NBA season is seeing everybody's new hair/look/personal brand. It's hilarious.
  
  Particularly up for debate was Delonte West. I'm pro-hair as it makes him look less like a re-animated alien corpse, but that's just my opinion.
• Another important matter of business during the live blog was the creation of Goatman. Ergo, all posts this Friday will be done as Goatman, for Halloween. I don't know what that means, but it's going to happen.
• New podcast tomorrow, hopefully. It's available for subscription in iTunes now. Just search for the Blowtorch.
• More to come later...

The Blowtorch Presents ... Anticipatory Remarks

Pound for pound, I'm pretty live on the mic

Oh, what's that you say? You'd like to hear a podcast of the silliness you normally just read?

Fine.

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Anticipatory Remarks

Wherein:

• Marc Gasol is discussed.
• The word "gregarious" is used. Twice.
• Mario Chalmers is slandered.
• Clay Bennett raps.

Enjoy.

UPDATE:

Welcome To The Big Show

Today is the day ladies and gentlemen. We will find out in just a few short hours what fate has in store for the future for many of the NBA's current and future stars. I know that many of the issues surrounding the draft have become rather muddled in the past month or so, between trade demands, rumors, mock drafts, and rampant specualtion about what will happen with just about every single major player in the NBA. To help clear the air on a few things, here is a little primer on some of the major stories that will be sorted out in the next 24 hours:

Who Goes #1?: While there has been a push by some members of the media in the past week for the Blazers to take Kevin Durant with the first pick, I just do not see it happening. And if ESPN's Ric Bucher is to be believed Portland has already told Oden and his camp that the Blazers will be selecting Oden over Durant.

Where Will KG Go?: The Garnett trade rumors have become the largest story in all of sports the past few days. "Proposed" trades have had him landing in Boston, Phoenix, and L.A., with other teams also rumored to be involved as facilitators in those various scenarios. Here is the cut and dry of the Garnett situation; if something does not happen today, it is probably not going to happen at all. In all of the most serious trade rumors the Wolve's desires have been focused on two things. For one thing, they want cap relief. That is why large contracts such as those of Kurt Thomas, Kwame Brown, and Theo Ratliff have been discussed so widely in recent days. The motivation for this is obvious. 2008 is set to be one of the most impressive free agent seasons in recent memory, and the Wolves want to put themselves in a position to get in on the action. The second thing that the Wolves desire is a high draft pick in this year's draft. The reason for this is also quite obvious, as even though this draft is perhaps not quite as deep as first advertised it is still arguably the best at the top since the 2003 Draft which saw LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh enter the league. The Wolves already own the #7 pick and acquiring either Boston's #5 pick or the Hawk's #3 pick would allow them to potentially draft two players that could be the cornerstones of their franchise for the next decade. The problem is, after the draft gets going tomorrow that window of opportunity will have evaporated, and the Wolves would have to face the prospect of either getting the best remaining package for KG (likely something from the Lakers involving Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum) or risk getting nothing for Garnett. Which is why in all likelihood, if anything happens it will be before the draft begins tonight.

Oden, Durant, and then...?: What is especially appealing about this year's draft beyond the great talent level present is one simple fact; after the top two picks, nobody has any clue what is going to happen. Don't let anyone tell you anything different. There are too many teams that either 1.) are shopping their picks in trades and 2.) are unclear as to whom they are picking that there is no real consensus as to not only which players will be picked at eahc selection, but also which teams will be doing the selecting. For example, in the past week the #3 pick, #4 pick, #5 pick, #7 pick, #8 pick, #9 pick, #11 pick, and #12 pick have all been involved in multiple (and allegedly serious) trade discussions. And beyond Al Horford at #3 there does not seem to be any consensus as to how the rest of the lottery will play out. (Though it is worth noting that at various times both Brandan Wright and Mike Conley were "locks" for the #3 spot, so take the Horford rumors with a grain of salt) What this all is going to result in is that this draft, between major trades and suprise picks, could literally be the most entertaining draft for fans in recent memory. Buckle up NBA fans, this is going to be a fun ride.

Yi Means Drama In Chinese: Not literally of course, but at the moment Yi Jianlian is the center of a great deal of intrigue as the draft approaches. The fact that he refused to work out for certain teams and rumors that he and his camp have certain teams they will refuse to play for could combine to produce a modern John Elway situation if a team like Milwaukee selects Yi.

Here We Go Again

You knew it was coming, right? It was way too easy for people to just fall in line and agree that the Trail Blazers would be insane not to take Greg Oden. So now people like Bill Simmons are calling for the Blazers to take Kevin Durant, and even Blazers' GM Kevin Pritchard seems to be sending mixed signals about who he is going to spend the pick on, saying:

"We're gonna look at everything," Pritchard said. "I think what's going to be important is putting them in a position out here where we can see both their strengths and their weaknesses with our coach putting an emphasis in those areas. Because in a game, all you see is a coach putting their players in a (position) of strength."

To play devil's advocate for a moment, here are the reasons why people are suddenly jumping on the Durant to Portland bandwagon:

- The Blazers already have Zach Randolph and LaMarcus Aldridge inside, so they don't need Oden.
- If the Blazers do take Oden, they would have to dump Randolph for cheap.
- Oden might have some long term health issues with his wrist.
- Oh Golly! Kevin Durant is so good!

Granted, these arguments all have varying degrees of validity. These arguments however, and the people that make them, are ignoring some simple facts:

Fact #1: Big Men Win Rings
Take a look at recent NBA history. The Spurs have won 4 titles with Tim Duncan being the main reason for those wins. Shaq has 4 titles in recent years as well. Hakeem won 2 titles while Jordan was retired. To put it simply, NBA titles in the past 15 years have been won by teams led by either a dominant big man or Michael Jordan. (The Pistons being the one exception, though one could argue the Wallace Brothers were the key to their win.) Greg Oden just happens to be a dominant big man; Kevin Durant does not happen to be the next Jordan. Try this one on for size: do you think that Durant is better than LeBron? If not then after seeing LeBron fall to Tim Duncan in this year's Finals how can you reasonably advocate picking Durant over Oden?

Fact #2: Reggie Bush Is Better Than Mario Williams
Stay with me on this one. Two years ago the Houston Texans had the easiest choice in the world at the top of the draft. Reggie Bush was sitting there having just won the Heisman Trophy and producing more insane highlights on a college football field than any man since Barry Sanders. So what did the Texans do? They decided that since they had a decent running back in Domanick Davis (Zach Randolph) and a weakness at defensive end (small forward) that they should take Williams (Durant) over Bush (Oden). Granted, Durant is a better football player than Mario Williams, but the comparison still holds true. The Saints actions in that draft are the model which the Blazers should follow. Even though New Orleans still had Deuce McCallister they took Bush anyway, and the Blazers would be wise to follow their example even though they already have Randolph and Aldridge. If the Blazers talk themselves out of drafting Oden they will be cursing themselves in four or five years when Oden and Ray Allen have a championship and the Blazers are merely one of the highest scoring teams in the league.

Fact #3: Joe Dumars > Dominique Wilkins
The header on this one could also read "Tim Duncan > Steve Nash" or "Shaq > Vince Carter". Point being, people that are rooting for the Blazers to take Durant over Oden are rooting for excitement over actual common sense. Is Durant really any better than Carmelo Anthony, the last freshman small forward to take the country by storm? At least Anthony won the national championship, something that cannot be said of Durant. People that want Durant over Oden are the same people that think the Spurs are boring and want the Phoenix Suns to be NBA champs every season. They are missing the point. Substance > Style.

So will the Blazers take Durant? I don't think so, not just because it would be the wrong move but also because Pritchard would find himself out of the NBA for life if it didn't work out. In this case Oden is both the safe pick, and more importantly, the right one.

Oden Offer?

TrailBlazer's beat writer Jason Quick did an interview Friday with Blazer's Edge, and while most if it was generally lineup speculation and what-ifs concerning Zach Randolph, this particular exchange caught my eye:

"Q: Have you heard any rumors about offers for the #1 pick?

A: I know that two Western Conference teams have offered their superstars in return for their #1 pick and they are hall-of-famers. The Blazers turned down both."

Now, on the surface that is pretty impressive, as the Blazers are essentially saying that Oden is a sure fire Hall of Famer by turning down two such offers. Let's dig a little deeper though. If Quick's info is accurate, then there is a pretty narrow list of players that he could be referencing. So lets take a quick look at just who these players may have been.

Looking through the West, you can eliminate Utah, Golden State, NOOCH, the Clippers, Sacramento, Seattle, and Memphis right off the bat as far as having a Hall of Fame caliber player. From there you have Dirk in Dallas, Duncan in SA, Nash in Phoenix, McGrady in Houston, AI in Denver, Kobe in LA, and Garnett in Minnesota as the only true Hall of Famers in the West. Duncan is of course out of the running, since the Spurs would never imagine trading him, especially since they are on the verge of a 4th title. Nash also makes no sense, since it is obvious that the Suns are looking to ditch either Amare or Marion, not Nash. So that leaves Dirk, McGrady, AI, Kobe, and KG. Now think about that for a moment. If the info is correct, two of those five guys were offered to Portland. Wow.

So which two? AI doesn't seem likely since at this stage in his career that would not be a realistic trade offer. McGrady also smacks me as an odd trade, since with the up tempo trend in the NBA the Rockets would be a bit archaic with Yao and Oden in the post. So that leaves KG, Kobe, and Dirk. Of those three, KG is a given since he has been trying to get out of Minn. for years now. The question remains then: Kobe or Dirk? Well, if you believe the Lakers that they are not going to trade Kobe, and given the fact that Kobe has a no trade clause, it would seem to point to Dirk being the second man offered along with Garnett. So the Blazers likely turned down offers of both KG and Dirk for Oden. Crazy stuff.

NBA Lottery: Initial Thoughts

The NBA Draft Lottery has concluded, and the order for this summer's draft has been set. The top three picks ended up going to Portland, Seattle, and Atlanta. So in the aftermath, here are some initial thoughts on what tonight's proceedings are going to mean a few months from now:

Portland Needs To Think Like New Orleans: What I mean is that Portland needs to ignore the temptation of trading the top pick, or even selecting Kevin Durant, and instead follow the example of the New Orleans Saints, who selected Reggie Bush even though they already had a Pro Bowl back in Deuce. The Blazers already have Zach Randolph and the promising LaMarcus Aldridge, but Oden is just too good to pass up. Don't do anything stupid Blazers. Pretty much the only acceptable trade would be something along the lines of Kevin Garnett, the #7 pick, and a future first rounder in exchange for the #1 spot and Darius Miles (to get the three years remaining on his contract off of the books).

Seattle Just Got Nasty...Maybe: With the presumptive choice of Kevin Durant the Sonics could boast a starting lineup next season of Earl Watson, Ray Allen, Durant, Rashard Lewis, and Nick Collison. The trio of Allen, Lewis, and Durant would give the Sonics more skilled scorers than just about any team in the league, and allow them to play more of the up tempo style that is all the rage in the NBA these days. This might come undone however, if Lewis opts out of the final two years of his contract. Will the allure of teaming with Durant be enough to keep Lewis in Seattle?

Atlanta Lucked Out: The temptation is to say that Atlanta missed out on one of the top two picks, and therefore should be dissapointed in the results. If you really look at it though, the lottery worked out perfectly for the Hawks. If they had finished outside the top 3 they would have lost their pick to Phoenix, and if Indiana had cracked the top 10 Atlanta would not have received their pick. Neither scenario occurred, and the Hawks now find themselves with two of the first 11 picks. Looking at their roster, it would seem that their needs are fairly obvious. Between Shelden Williams, Marvin Williams, Josh Smith, and Josh Childress they have four lottery picks at the 3 and 4 spots, and then they have Joe Johnson manning the 2 spot. The areas of need rest at PG and C, so don't be suprised if the Hawks go against the draft board and take Mike Conley with the #3 pick, and perhaps Spencer Hawes or Roy Hibbert at the #11 spot to fill their need at center.

Bill Simmons Needs A Tissue: Wow. This is essentially the worst case scenario for the Celtics. Instead of landing a difference maker in Oden or Durant, the Celtics fell all the way to #5. At that spot, assuming that the top four picks go something like Oden, Durant, Conley, Wright, the Celtics could be faced with selecting either Yi Jianlian, Jeff Green, or Corey Brewer. At this point, it really would not be a suprise if the Celtics traded down, but the release of rumors to that effect might make getting a fair deal much more difficult.

Philly Better Have A Good Cell-Phone Plan: Every trade needs two partners, and the 76ers with picks #12, #21, and #30 would seem to be in the best position to jump further up into the top ten. The Sixers could be interested in a number of the PF prospects projected to be at the top of the draft, but could also stay put and look to fill their holes at SG and C later in the first round.

Well, There Goes Any Chance The East Had Left: With Oden and Durant both headed to the Western Conference, this year's lottery has helped to assure the Western Conference's dominance over the Least-ern Conference for the foreseeable future. That is, if it wasn't already assured.

NBA Lottery Conspiracy Preview

Tomorrow night General Managers from the NBA's worst teams will gather together and wait in rapt anticipation as David Stern announces the order of this summer's NBA Draft. And given the history of the NBA Lottery, you can expect that there might be...well, lets call it some suspicious proceedings tomorrow night. Kind of like when The Knicks got Patrick Ewing, restoring to prominence one of the NBA's historic franchises. Or when the Magic, with the lowest odds to win the lottery, won the right to pair Penny Hardaway with Shaq. Or when the Spurs got Tim Duncan to pair with aging and ring-less superstar David Robinson. Or when the Cavs got the rights to draft LeBron James, coincidentally from nearby Akron. Lets just say there have been more storybook endings at the top of the NBA draft then there have been in the Shrek movie franchise. So pending tomorrow night's results, here is a look at the true odds for the draft lottery...The Conspiracy Odds

14. Atlanta Hawks: Now, mathematically the Hawks have the fourth best chance to win the lottery. This is not the mathematical lottery preview however, and in the eyes of Lord Stern the Hawks winning the lottery would be a catastrophe. Partially because the Hawks have shown the ability in the past few years to squander first round talent (See Williams, Childress, Smith), and sending Oden to Atlanta might spell doom for one of the league's most valuable properties. The real reason the Hawks won't win though, is because by winning the lottery it would prevent the Suns from getting the Hawk's lottery pick. The NBA will not allow their prized TV commodity, possibly facing the loss of Shawn Marion or Amare Stoudemire due to luxury tax issues, to lose the opportunity to draft a replacement such as Jeff Green or Joakim Noah. Atlanta has no chance.

13.Portland Trailblazers: The Trailblazers are a team that seems to be in perpetual turmoil, as well as perpetually underachieving. The toxic environment in Portland is no place for Greg Oden, the man of the super clean image. The NBA's worst nightmare would be if Oden landed with the Blazers, only to have him led into a life of crime and slacking off by the influence of Darius Miles. "Seriously Big O, once you get those endorsement dollars, you are MADE man! You don't even have to play anymore! Do you know how much money I get to sit on this bench man? Hey, wait, Greg, why are you goin in the game...come back man"

12.Sacramento Kings: Now it would be tempting for the NBA to give the Kings the chance at the top of the draft, since they boast a decent fan base and reside in one of the larger media markets in the country. Just like the situation with the Blazers though, there is no chance that David Stern will allow Oden anywhere near Ron Artest. Now, if the Kings release Artest in the next 24 hours, they will move up to number 5 on this list. Otherwise, no chance.

11.Memphis Grizzlies: OK, so they do happen to have the best statistical chance to win the lottery. The Grizzlies would be a terrible fit for Oden however, as they play in a small market, have a flawed roster, and....well, their uniforms are pretty freaking ugly. Oden already has a bit of a reputation for being docile, so the NBA is not going to let him suit up every night with a teddy bear on his chest.

10.Milwaukee Bucks: The Bucks are tempting, as they would be able to pair Oden with former number one pick Andrew Bogut. The Bucks chances are hurt however, by the fact that they have squandered the NBA's benevolence in getting the Bogut pick and have not got any better in the time since, even with Michael Redd lighting up the scoreboard from long range. Lord Stern will not be so kind twice.

9.Seattle Supersonics: Now, here we have a legit contender for Oden's services. The Sonics would provide Greg with two All Star caliber running mates from the start in Rashard Lewis and Ray Allen, clearing the way for Oden to have early success and get to the playoffs sooner rather than later. The only real problem with the Sonics is their current arena situation, as a move to Oklahoma City and a possible name change for the team would be bad for marketing Oden.

8.Charlotte Bobcats: The Bobcats would be an attractive option for a number of reasons. First, the NBA wants to see their expansion franchises succeed. Second, the addition of Oden down low with Emeka Okafor would help the development of not only the Bobcats but also would hopefully help Adam Morrison, himself possessing vast marketing potential, to improve upon a lackluster rookie season. Third, Bobcats owner Robert Johnson has made his fortune in the entertainment and broadcasting industry, and would know how to market Oden to the best of his potential. The one big detractor though, is the fact that Michael Jordan is in the background in Charlotte. More specifically, the Jordan that ran the heart and psyche of former number one pick Kwame Brown into the ground in Washington. The NBA would not want to see a repeat of that episode.

7.Los Angeles Clippers: The Clippers have a good chance to get Oden for one main reason: They play in LA. Not only will Oden have access to the celebrity factory in Hollywood, he will also have a ready made rivalry in place with cross town nemesis Kobe Bryant. Cha-Ching. The only detractor is the Clippers' history of being both cheap and bad, meaning that Oden's stay in LA might be a short trip.

6.Indiana Pacers: The Pacers are a team that enjoyed great success in the 90's, a team that NBA fans are used to seeing on television. And now that the Pacers have jettisoned Stephen Jackson, there are no warts on the roster that might threaten to sully Oden's reputation. The Pacer's also have a ready made low post partner for Oden in Jermaine O'Neal, and in the weak Eastern Conference the duo of O'Neal and Oden alone could quickly shoot the Pacers to the conference or even NBA Finals.

5.New Orleans: Don't think that Stern did not see how well it worked out for the NFL when Reggie Bush made his way to the Saints. Now, the NBA does not have to depend on the stupidity of a team like the Texans to get Oden to New Orleans: they can just rig the draft themselves. Pairing Oden with Chris Paul could create a modern day Stockton and Malone, and Oden's presence in the Western Conference would provide plenty of marquee TV match ups with the NBA's best teams.

4.Philadelphia 76ers: What better way for the NBA to distance itself from its thug image than to replace Iverson in Philadelphia with Oden? Oden would step onto one of the league's most storied franchises, and would look quite snazzy in a 76ers jersey. Philly would also provide Oden with a pretty large TV market in which to perform. Not to mention the fact that the Sixers also have a ready made side kick for Oden in Andre Igoudala. This would be a fantastic conspiracy spot for Oden.

3.Chicago Bulls: Not many options would be better than Oden suiting up for the Bulls, a team with a huge fan base as well as the recognition factor still present in the general populous from the Jordan Era. There are already thousands of fans out there with Bulls hats from the 90's in their closets, waiting to break them out again. Combine this storied past with the fact that the Bulls play in one of the biggest sports towns in America, and the fact that they have a roster full of talented swing players in need of a low post scorer, and the Bulls look like an ideal landing spot for Greg Oden.

2.Minnesota Timberwolves: The Wolves are not the league's sexiest team. Far from it. They also do not play in a big market, or have a tradition of excellence that is being interrupted. What they do have however, is the league's best player, Kevin Garnett. Can you imagine the destruction the Garnett would reign down upon the league if he were paired with Oden? One of the best storylines in sports is the pursuit of a championship by a loved star, and putting Oden with Garnett would turn that dream into a reality for KG. The NBA put Duncan in San Antonio with David Robinson: don't be surprised if they erect another set of Twin Towers.

1.Boston Celtics:This one is too easy. The Celtics have the second best chance mathematically at winning the Lottery, so swinging the ping pong balls in their direction would not even be that much cause for suspicion. The addition of Oden to the Celtics would bring one of the NBA's most storied and iconic franchises out of the Danny Ainge imposed Dark Ages, and return this once proud franchise to prominence. Take it to the bank: the Celtics will not miss out on the top two.