How to Stand in the NBA: A Primer

It's probably a scientific fact that some NBA players maybe spend about one-third of a basketball game standing around. Between fouls, twenty-second timeouts, and being Roko Ukic, this seems like a fair estimate that should be considered truth. This doesn't even count time on the bench, where players such as Adam Morrison, Bill Walker, and Roko Ukic have mastered the art of standing. In fact, there have probably been petitions to rename the league the NBaaSA, which would stand (zinger) for National Basketball and also Standing Association. Because of all the standing, this makes sense.

As such, The Blowtorch has put together a quick guide to standing in the NBaaSA. It's pretty simple, really. Here's what the New York Knicks have to say about standing.

David Lee: "Just stand and like put your hands on your hips. Maybe think about a Vampire Weekend song."
Wilson Chandler: "Yeah, what David said. I chew my mouthguard because I'm really weird and have two last names that sometimes people use as first names. I hated Home Improvement."
Al Harrington: "Psssssht. Home Improvement was my jam. Zachary Ty Bryant was hilarious."
David Lee: "Learn how to stand. Both hands on hips."
Wilson Chandler: "Heidy-ho, neighbor."

Thanks guys. David Lee basically nailed it. To successfully stand in the NBA, you just stand like a normal person, but you add in the hands on hips thing because when you're wearing shorts you don't have pockets to put your hands in. If you don't put your hands on your hips, Tony Parker will laugh at you.

"Eh, Keef Bogan, poot ze hands on ze heeps, mon frere. Eet make-a for-a clehn-a seeeloooeeet."

With the proper training, anyone can learn how to stand. The Indiana Pacers have recently launched a community outreach program where they reach out to members of the community to teach them how to stand. Here we see Josh McRoberts teaching an elderly man how to stand. As you can see, he's got a couple of his teammates with him to help demonstrate.

"DUDE JUST PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS. DO YOU LIKE MASTODON? THEY'RE INSANE. YOU CAN BORROW MY MINIDISC PLAYER IF YOU WANT SOMETIME. LET'S GO SEE AVATAR TOGETHER. I LIKE YOUR TIE BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE AVATAR. WEAR IT TO THE THEATER WHEN WE GO SEE AVATAR. THE USHERS WILL LIKE IT AND WE CAN SIT IN THE FRONT ROW AND GET CHURROS."

It's that easy. Now that you know how to stand, try it around the house. To be an NBA caliber stander, you need to practice. The best standers in the league (Roko Ukic, for example) spend up to eight hours a day doing standing training in the offseason. If you want to catch up, double that. Soon enough, you'll be standing with the best. Good luck.

PROTIP: The "aa" in NBaaSA is pronounced "aaahhhh" like drinking a ginger ale. So, the entire abbreviation is pronounced "EN BEE aaahhhh ESS AY."

NBA Style Report - October 2009

Dirk Nowitzki

Walter Herrmann is like "nice hair." Then he rolled his eyes and palmed two basketballs in the same hand.

DOWNGRADE

Rasheed Wallace

For 63 years the Celtics have been a world class organization from the front office to the uniforms. Then they signed Sheed and told him it was okay to modify his sweatpants.

DOWNGRADE

Josh McRoberts
It's good to see that McRoberts has embraced the 'zany' bench guy role, albeit with the typical Duke twist (read: juiceboxy).

KIND OF AN UPGRADE

DeShawn Stevenson

Whoops! You still have a neck tattoo of Abraham Lincoln.

DOWNGRADE

Andrei Kirilenko
"I cahn't vait for Jim unt Pahm to be marry. I've been unt fan of John Krahseenski for long time."
UPGRADE

Explaining Hook Shots

The hook shot is something near and dear to my heart. When the Trey Kerby YouTube mixtape (currently in production) finally drops, you best believe that there will be significant hooking involved, along with a very loud and ignorant rap song. That's the YouTube way.

Given these credentials, I'm pretty much the internet's leading expert on the hook shot. Furthermore, I have a degree in Health Science which allows me to explain things by using physics. Also, MS Paint lines/Helvetica.

Our first case is Yao Ming: Notice the three main elements that make a successful hook shot:

1. Full extension of the shooting arm.
2. Body and off-arm shield the defender from blocking the shot.
3. Strange facial expression.

Let us compare this to Dwight Howard:

As you can see, Dwight has his elbow bent which prevents him from getting the proper arc on his hook. Plus his body is nearly facing his defender, whom he hasn't shielded with his off-arm. However, his face is pretty crazy, so that's working for him.

Now another successful hook shotta, Tim Duncan:Fully extended. Defender shielded. Face showing no emotion due to his cyborg innards. Two out of three ain't bad. MEATLOAF QUOTE.

Anyways, when Duncan decides to get balanced and shoot a real hook, it's perfect. Surprising. Of course, if you were Tim Duncan and could throw up anything and have it go in, why wouldn't you? Because you would. You know you would.

But here's Greg Oden:

While his arm is extended and he's trying to shield the defender, he just isn't doing it right. His hooks look like when your high school coach teaches you a hook shot, so you try it in a JV game and airball it short. But you got fouled and make both free throws anyway, so whatever. That's exactly what it looks like. His arm needs to be extended so that he can get some separation from his defender.

Here's our last comparison.

First, Pau Gasol:Good extension, shielding, and separation. Being that it's Pau Gasol, obviously his face is insane. THIS IS ONE OF THE KEYS.

But fellow European (not really) Kosta Koufas isn't so great:I guess if you're a Jazz fan, you love this hook shot and think it's better than Chris Paul. But it's wrong in a lot of ways. But it's Kosta Koufos, so it's basically irrelevant. But you should note that if you can't gain separation any other way, a solid kick in the groin is a great way to get your shot off too. Just ask Joel Pryzbilla.

But fear not, fellow humans, even if you go outside right now (don't go outside right now, it's cold) and shoot your first hook shot ever, you'll still be better than Josh McRoberts: