Sometime around noon on August 31, 2009, the Marvel Universe as we know it died of a massive corporate takeover by the malignant entity known as Disney.
I don't know what you were doing when news broke of Disney buying Marvel Entertainment, but I had just finished eating some tasty leftover spaghetti that quickly became unsettled in my belly after reading the headline. Some of you probably just shrugged and went on with your somewhat satisfied lives. But if you're like me, and have "Made Yours Marvel" for decades, this comes as a kick in the groin with a 12-inch Rambo knife attached to the steel-toed Mickey shoe.
Marvel Entertainment, home to a bunch of beloved characters that finally were turning things around movie-wise, has been bought by the Mouse that hasn't turned out a universally-adored animated film from it's own studio since The Lion King. That just seems wrong on so many levels. However one looks at it, this deal will change the game for the House that Stan Lee built, and will mean different things to different people.
What the deal feels and looks like to me.
Disney buys yet another beloved property to add it to it's soulless collection. I've always felt it was a travesty that Michael Eisner, in his quest to make Disney into an even bigger corporate juggernaut, let Disney Animation atrophy to a point where it could no longer create hits from within. Sure, Eisner's way made the Mouse a whole lot of money, but it also turned Disney, in my eyes, into the douchebag rich kid who can buy anything he wants regardless of whether he deserves it, or not.
Disney, The Douchebag Rich Kid: "My movies suck now. I wanna make people love my movies again. I've got a few billion in my pocket...guess I'll buy PIXAR! Yay!!! People love MY movies again because I own PIXAR!"
"Ooh, you guys like Spidey? Well so do I. What the heck, I got a few billion in my toilet paper roll, I'll buy him and all his superhero friends. Heck, I could even get Zac Efron to play Peter Parker if that Tobey Maguire guy won't show up at my birthday party wearing the Spidey suit. I'll show that wuss who's boss just like I'll show my mother and her middle-aged botox barracudas when I buy OPRAH!"
That's how I view Disney, and that's why this deal makes me feel slimy all over.
What the deal probably means to Disney and Marvel.
Realistically, this deal should raise the profile of the Marvel Universe higher than it's ever been. Disney has been looking to target young boys for a while now (ooh, even THAT sounds creepy) to balance out it's girlie brands of Hannah Montana, High School Musical, and everything else they produce. Marvel would make a great fit in that strategy. Plus, if they leave Marvel alone to "do their thing" like they're doing with PIXAR, some interesting shows and movies could be made as a result. (Please note, I said "interesting", NOT great, or fantastic! A horrible car accident could look "interesting" as you drive past it, too, y'know.)
What the deal means to me and others of my ilk.
One of the things that I fear will happen is that the characters we Marvel fans have grown up with will be "Disneyfied" and made into these soulless corporate products. Granted, Spider-Man and his amazing friends are already corporate products, but the difference was that Marvel was sort of playing with it's own toys, and therefore took more risks with what they did with their characters. Disney's bread and butter is family entertainment, and they're going to do whatever it takes to dangle Mom and Dad from their loafers and violently shake every last penny out of them. Sure, they'll have the "edgy" types of shows and movies featuring Wolverine and the Punisher, but have you EVER truly seen an "edgy" Disney film that was aimed at anyone below 18?
We just may see a smiling Wolverine and Punisher greeting people at the Magic Kingdom alongside Goofy, and that's just wrong!
Also, like any corporate merger, this type of deal will have casualties, though they'll be in the form of Marvel characters we'll probably NEVER see again. Remember when Disney bought the Muppets years ago? WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?!?!?!?!? I know there's a Fraggle Rock movie in the works, but I haven't seen Gonzo, Fozzie, Miss Piggy, or even Kermit that much (if at all) since THAT deal. It's almost as it Mickey has them locked away in some dungeon, probably being waterboarded as we speak by that hot-head Donald Duck.
Could this deal make Marvel movies, comics, video games, and underwear better? Anything is possible, I guess, but who the heck knows?! All I know is that Wolverine was an absolute badass, and then some douchebag rich kid bought him and put some mouse ears on him.
And you can't be a badass wearing mouse ears.
I am so happy to have escaped the beautiful city of Toronto for the sweltering heat of Miami. For this, I happily dunk.
I am quite obviously insane, yet still employed by an NBA team. Though clearly psychotic, I have a championship ring. For this, I giddily dunk.
Because he appreciates my blonde locks, my hairsake Dirk Nowitzki has allowed me the chance for yet another two-handed dunk. For this, I gladly dunk.
Did you notice how obvious it is that Mehmet Okur is aping LeBron's style? Here is a side-by-side comparison to elucidate the similarities:
I've connected the things that are the same with an easy-to-read color coded set of boxes and lines. Check it out.
First, Kobe Bryant forces the Lakers to sign Sun Yue as an olive branch of sorts to the Chinese. However, because it's Kobe, there's more to the signing. He knows that adding a Chinese player to the roster increases his visability in China. Following the signing, Kobe makes Sun Yue sit next to him on every airplane and bus ride they take, even though he doesn't speak a word of Chinese.
Then, LeBron James convinces Nike to run in ad campaign in China, depicting him as the rightful heir to the throne formerly inhabited by the Bearded Man and Young Girl. As all Chinese know, these two former rulers were ousted by the Angry Man who has tyrannically ruled over China for centuries. Not until LeBron have the Chinese had a worthy adversary to Angry Man. 
Then, Kobe takes a tour of Asia where he promotes his super light shoe. At every turn he derides LeBron's shoe for being too clunky. The Chinese take a liking to Kobe's shoes, mostly because they look better with high-end denim. Also, they're not that upset with Angry Man, he's just misunderstood.
Angered that Kobe has usurped his throne as reigning shoe maven in China, LeBron installs a massive video screen in his house that allows him to interact with the Chinese in real time. The video screen is wired in to China's closed circuit television mainframe, which gives LeBron the ability to interrupt any program with very important news. As you can see, the Chinese are delighted.
Finally, Kobe commissions the construction of a large, friendly looking robot which has been embraced by the Chinese. Unbeknownst to them, however, the robot is programmed so that if LeBron ever interrupts a Kobe commeercial or program it will systematically destroy whichever metropolis it is near. Savvy as he is, Kobe informed LeBron of this robot's capabilities and programming, leaving the onus on LeBron to not invoke it's wrath, in essence limiting LeBron's television control.
