Two Old-Timey Bulls Talk Oil Prospecting

Say, Bradford. Might I interest you in some tips on how one might acquire that oil, son?

Indeed, Josiahkim. That would interest me a great deal, for I often seek to acquire that oil, son.

'Tis a simple process, my dear friend Bradford.

Do tell.

The first step is finding a location that may provide you the opportunity for oil acquistion, son.

Naturally, yes. This, likely, would be my backyard where I often spend time shootin' at some food.

Yes, yes, of course. Once you have found this oil acquisition location, simply throw an ice pick at that oil, son.

An ice pick?

Yes, an ice pick, Bradford.

Interesting, Josiahkim. But where shall I store my oil, son?

Oh, Bradford! Dost ye know nothing about acquiring that oil, son?

I must admit, Josiahkim, I have never acquired that oil, son.

Fair enough. After ice picking said oil, simply collect that oil which is now spurting in to a burlap sack.

A burlap sack?

Yes, Bradford. Your finest burlap sack.

Oh, the choices! My collection is so great. 'Tis that it?

No, sir. After that, Bradford, we dance.



Most amazing tutorial, Josiahkim.

Think nothing of it, my good man! Now go on and acquire that oil, son!

Joakim Noah Serves Turkey

Yeah yeah yeah yeah Joakim got turkey all up in this. We talkin turkey lurkey hidin in the bushes Aerobeds aint got enough cushions. Uh. Bad Boy baby. Who want this turkey?

Yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh boy. Get that turkey, son. When it come November, turkey be oil be rebounds, son. Get that turkey, son. Gimme some.

Close enough, dog. Next time, pound that. Like, BOOM style. Pound that action. We'll work on it. But now, homie? Let's dance.



TURKEY, SON.

Joakim Noah Teaches Defense and Rebounding

Yo son, you ready to learn some for real defense and rebounding from me, Joa-Noah? That's what I call me, son. For real, son. Word is bond, son.

First thangs first, dog. Yo, establish that position, son. Like get all up in they guts. You need to be sticky like tape.Get all up close on 'em so you can smell they dinner. Mikey Milly had some Cocoa Dinobites at about 11:30 am. Then he washed it down with some OJ. Breakfast for lunch or whateva.

So you get up in they face. Let 'em know you there. Then, dog, when they shoot, you ain't just let him shoot it like it ain't no thang. CHALLENGE that shot, son.

Get yo hand up. Jump at 'em. Just do what you got to do. Challenge it, son. You ain't want Tim Duncan just shootin' them bankshots like he ain't got to worry about you.

But yo, defense ain't end when the shot go up, dog. Get that oil, son. Get that oil.
I was gettin' metaphorical on that one, yo. Like when I say "get that oil," I'm really thinkin' "get that rebound." Like the rebound be the oil in that situation. So you gettin' that rebound.

Once you get that rebound? It's on, dog. Do yo thang. It's yo ball now. Go nuts, son. For real.
And yo, you get enough rebounds. You know what that means, right?

WE DANCIN' SON!

My Newest Product

This is something I've been working on for just about two years, and it's just now time to release it. Remember draft night, 2007? I bet you do for one reason. His name is Joakim Bertram Noah. He looked like this:


But also, he looked like this later on:

Ponytailed.

Obviously, this was a great look, and as it turns out, pretty marketable. We went through A LOT of prototypes before we finally had our finished product, but I'm pretty happy to present the Joakim Noah Hat:

Yes, that is me modelling my product. As you can see, it emulates Joakim Noah's look from his draft night celebration. It also makes sure that you get that real Joakim Noah ponytail action. For reference:


So please, buy your own Joakim Noah Hat today, and get one for your friends too. They'll love it.

The Chicago Bulls Sing "Chop Suey!"

Man, you guys NAILED it.

Oil Prospecting with Joakim Noah

At Joakim Noah's house...

Trez Kerbz: I have boredom, Joakim Noah. There is boredom in me.

Joakim Noah: For real, son. Let's do something then.

Trez Kerbz: Like what?

Joakim Noah: Let's get some oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: a) Why would we get oil? And b) How are we going to get oil?

Joakim Noah: You kidding? Oil is like gold, but, like a liquid.

Trez Kerbz: Liquid gold.

Joakim Noah: Word, son. We need to get that oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: Sure. How?

Joakim Noah: Yo, throw that ice pick in the ground.

Trez Kerbz: Why do you have an ice pick?

Joakim Noah: Why do only certain birds eat certain bird seed? Why did old-time sailors think manatees were mermaids? Why we hangin' out? You ask too many questions, man.

Trez Kerbz: Whatever. So, you think I just throw this ice pick in the ground and we'll get some oil?

Joakim Noah: Word. Get a bag though.

Trez Kerbz: Why?

Joakim Noah: For the oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: Right. (throws ice pick, oil starts spurting)

Joakim Noah: YEAH, SON!

Trez Kerbz: I cannot believe that worked. (copious amounts of oil continue to spurt)

Joakim Noah: GET THAT OIL, SON! GET OIL!

Every Celtics Fan Ever During Joakim Noah's Dunk

(h/t: Jens the Headless Chicken)

Incorrect Running Forms Arranged From Bad to Worst

Joakim Noah Advises Sam, Bill, and Neil

(Sam, Bill, and Neil approach Joakim Noah, who is sitting winsomely on a grassy hill)

Joakim: Gentlemen.

Sam: Hey Joakim.

Bill: Hey.

Neil: Hey.

Joakim: To what do I owe this pleasure?

Sam: Well...

Bill: Ask him.

(Bill nudges Sam.)

Sam: Hey!

Neil: Sam's worried that Cindy won't like the way he kisses.

Sam: NEIL!

Neil: What?! It's true.

(Bill giggles to himself.)

Joakim: Well, as you know, I myself once had the same predicament. 'Twas some time ago, in fact. Actually, it frightens me to this day to think what could have happened.

(Bill giggles to himself.)

Neil: Joakim. We really need your help.

Joakim: Yes, certainly. Anyway. As I was saying, the key to winning a woman's heart is simple. Just be yourself and she will be drawn to you. It's as I always say, set the bait and then wait.

Sam: That's it?

Bill: Yeah, that's it?

Joakim: Indeed.

Neil: Thanks, Joakim.

Bill: Yeah, uh, thanks.

(Bill's jaw hang open.)

Sam: You're the best, Joakim.

Joakim: Gentlemen.

Celebrity Reactions: Joakim Noah

Ah, for real, son? The Celtics won? The Boston Celtics? Ain't they got, like, Scot Pollard or whatever? That dude is HILARIOUS. Always holdin'. That's my boy.



You wanna hit this?

NBA Draft: Picks Breakdown

In examining the picks from last night's draft some of them are pretty simple to evaluate. Greg Oden to the Blazers. Good. Kevin Durant to the Sonics. Good. There were a number of intriguing picks and stories that developed during draft night, so here is a look at some of the most intriguing picks, whether they be steals, terrible picks, or just plain great picks:

The Pick: The Milwaukee Bucks selecting Yi Jianlian with the #6 pick
The Scoop: Leading up to the draft myself and many others pointed out the rather odd choice by Yi Jianlian and his representation not to let Milwaukee see Yi work out. Speculation was that Yi's camp wanted him to play in a large market with a big Chinese population, a description that did not exactly fit Milwaukee. Some even believed that if the Bucks were to select Yi that he would either try to force a trade or go back to China. The truth behind those beliefs is set to be revealed as there are already rumblings that Yi might not only miss the team's training camp later this year, but that he may not even show up for Milwaukee's post draft press conference tomorrow. Something tells me this pick may not have been worth the trouble. By the way, check out this picture of Yi from Time Magazine in 2003 when he was *15* years old. Yeah right, my left foot he is 15 in that picture.



The Pick: The Chicago Bulls selecting Joakim Noah with the #9 pick
The Scoop: I don't often agree with Stephen A. Smith, but I am completely with his analysis on this pick. To put it simply, The Bulls already have what Noah is selling. Isn't Tyrus Thomas the same player except with a slightly better offensive game? The Bulls did not need another high energy rebounder, what they needed was a scorer in the low post. The most distressing aspect of this pick was that there was indeed such a player available in Spencer Hawes who went to the Kings at #10. It isn't that Noah is a bad player, he just does not seem to be what the Bulls needed with that pick.

The Pick: The Washington Wizards selecting Nick Young with the #16 pick
The Scoop: Young fell a bit lower than where many people had projected him to go, but ending up in Washington may well be the perfect spot for him. The Wizards started DeShawn Stevenson at SG this past season essentially on a one year rental. Young is a major upgrade at that spot, and at worst will be the Wizard's 6th man headed into the season. His offensive skills combined with the Wizards up tempo style and hole at the SG spot will make Young an impact player sooner rather than later.

The Pick: Everything the Portland Trailblazers did
The Scoop: The Blazers had an unbelievable evening. Putting aside the Zach Randolph trade, here is a quick rundown of the moves and picks they made: Drafted Greg Oden with the #1 pick, traded cash to the Suns for the #24 pick which they used on Rudy Fernandez, traded cash and the #42 pick to the 76ers for the #30 pick Peteri Koponen, drafted Josh McRoberts with the #37 pick, drafted Taurean Green with the #52 pick, and finally they drafted Demetris Nichols with the #53 pick. It goes without saying that Oden is a great pick. The other five selections however, are what make this draft truly special. Fernandez and Koponen are great talents that can take the time to develop overseas and then come to Portland a few years down the road to contribute. The three second round picks of McRoberts, Green, and Nichols are complete and utter steals. McRoberts is a lottery talent that came out too early, Green was the floor general and leading scorer of the two time national champions, and Nichols was arguably the best three point shooter in the entire draft. To put it bluntly the Blazers' draft picks tonight, the $30 million in contracts that they have coming off the books in two seasons, and the fact that they already have Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge makes this team a championship contender sooner rather than later.

Joakim Doesn't Like Jordan...Or Bloggers

Just a day after the story broke about Joakim Noah's comments that he "hated Michael Jordan", it seems that he has found another avenue for his disdain. Namely, people like me. People that write blogs. How so you might ask? Well, in a story in Sunday's Charlotte Observer Noah had some interesting things to say about mock drafts, and where they had him projected. A sampling:

"I think mock drafts are a complete joke," Noah said when told several mock drafts link him to the Charlotte Bobcats. "I heard a couple of guys who make the mock drafts are kids in basements. You read what these guys say, and they have no idea what they're talking about."

Ah, classy Joakim, classy. Just bring out the tired old "Kid in the basement" stereotype. Terribly original of you. As for his assertation that bloggers do not have any idea what they are talking about, that is completely foolish. In today's age of free flowing information it is very simple for even the most casual fan to peruse every NBA team's roster, depth chart, and salary cap numbers and be able to form an educated opinion of a team's needs. I can also tell you with a great degree of certainty that most any of the "kids" doing mock drafts could inform Noah of one salient fact: that he blew a chance at the #1 spot by not leaving last year, and that by staying in he exposed his lack of a jumpshot and lack of consistency on the offensive end of the floor. But hey, what do I know, I'm just a kid with no idea what I'm talking about.