Paging Matt Bonner

Things have been pretty hectic at Blowtorch Consulting the past few months. After I put together the Brandon Jennings proposal, business boomed. And as the business has grown, I've had to sign a lot of non-disclosure agreements. This is the nature of commerce, I suppose.

But we are MAKING THINGS HAPPEN. For instance, last night while shopping for ingredients for a sausage casserole, I found our newest product endorsement.

GINGERBOY COOKIES - "Like gingerbread men, but younger in a not creepy way."

Some people say, "always be closing." I say, "always be brainstorming," which is probably more effective; some doors should remain open. Last night, in a split-second, I stormed my brain for a shortlist of possible Gingerboy endorsers. Here it is with each candidates pros and cons:

Blake Griffin

Pros: Has red hair. Actually marketable. Young, which correlates to the boy part of Gingerboy. Loves nutmeg.
Cons: May not be receptive to endorsing an offbrand cookie as he has other opportunities. Probably would want to change product name to Gingerballs. Hates cloves.

Brian Scalabrine

Pros: Has red hair. Kinda chunky, target market will identify with him.
Cons: No one wants to see Brian Scalabrine while they're eating.

Matt Bonner

Pros: Has red hair. No other marketing opportunities, so he would probably jump at this one. Avid baker.
Cons: Often sports a red beard. Possibly Canadian.

After careful consideration, I've decided to target Matt Bonner and his agent, Kenny Grant. Considering the other players Grant represents, I think he'll be pretty intrigued that someone actually is marketing one of his players. That's the Blowtorch Consulting strategy: make people who aren't marketable feel marketable so that they will pay you to market them.

Let's make this happen.

Brandon Jennings' New Shoes

As you already know, I'm a very powerful advertising executive.

Heeeeeyyy. You want some ads?

And you already know that I'm down with shoes.

Heeeeeyyy. You want some shoes?

But you probably didn't know that I was working closely with Under Armour to create the newest shoe for their biggest (and only) NBA endorser, Brandon Jennings. Brandon wanted to go with something that represented his team, the Milwaukee Bucks. I think we subtly alluded to that with this newest signature shoe, the BJ2.

The BJ2

There's some pretty impressive performance features. The zipper helps to maintain the low profile that Brandon likes, and the Hoof Bottom^TM allows for forefoot flexibility. Of course the coarse deer hair (obtained from real deer carcasses*) let's Brandon's foot breath, while keeping it dry and warm. The extended Deer Ankle Technology^TM gives support to both high and low ankle sprains.

Inspiration

We really looked to nature on this project, and I think it turned out pretty well. In fact, Brandon was wearing the shoes during his 55 point explosion. That's a pretty ringing endorsement. Right now, the shoes aren't available for the public, but they will be released over All Star Weekend. These will be especially great during the cold winter months. Stay tuned for further updates.

*No deer were harmed in the making of the BJ2. All hair was obtained from a roadkill exchange initiative in the Milwaukee area.

My Newest Clients

As y'all know, my house is a happening place. As the headquarters for Blowtorch Consulting, we were proud to host BDLCON 2k9. Fans from as far as Indiana, Canada, and Illinois flocked to Illinois to watch television and make jokes. We were pretty pleased with the turn-out.

We did so many activities, like dog training. Here is a famous Internet celebrity teaching one of our volunteers how to dribble a basketball:

Anyways, after the success of BDLCON 2k9, I've received some requests from athletes for some face-to-face consultations. It's a new day for Blowtorch Consulting. Where we had previously just e-mailed memes, marketing opportunities, and growth strategies to assorted players, now we're working hands-on with our clients.

Our first guess was a bro named Jason. He stopped by to see how he could become more recognizable to the public. I told him, "bro, you need to do something wacky. Something that will make people think about you in a new way."

He said, "like some new hair product and a gingham shirt?"

I said, "nah, bro. Like change your number or something."

And here he is now: I'd say that's a successful image makeover. Before he was just a bro who could shoot shots pretty good, but kind of looked like a sissy. Now, he's got this new silly number that makes people think he's mysterious.

After that went so well, he recommended me to his friend, Primoz. Now, I wasn't sure exactly who this guy was, or what his name was supposed to mean. I kinda figured he was a big Prince fan, but turns out he hates Prince. So the name mystery remains unsolved.

But I told him, "maybe you shouldn't necessarily play up the ethnic name. People will think you're coming over here to steal American jobs, which is kind of a touchy subject."

He agreed, saying, "Kul človek. Bom poskusil pogledati več ameriških."

I had no idea what that meant, but he went upstairs, changed clothes, and mussed up his hair. I was shocked to see that he looked exactly like my college roommate.


When he came down, he was calling himself "Pedro," thinking it was a typical American name. I suggested "Pete" and the transformation was complete.

I can't exactly say where this company is going, but I like the direction it's taken lately. To really help control the images of these almost-world-class athletes is a positive step for us. I'll keep you posted on the happenings of Blowtorch Consulting.

New Signature Shoes

I was on the information superhighway earlier today, transversing the shoe blog exits when I found the following shoes. It took some digging, but I was able to find out which shoes belong to which people. Let's take a look.

-------------

Dahntay Jones

As the head of a growing consulting company, I'm a little surprised that Dahntay Jones's people are supporting a shoe like this. I mean, he's kind of already got a rep as a "dirty player," and wearing shoes with a bunch of tiny knives on them isn't going to help. However, in this economy, you've got to do what you can to bring in money.

Grant Hill

Aside from his basketball skills, piano skills, and strikingly large ears, Grant Hill is most well-known for his ankle injuries. Putting him in a fancy splint isn't just good business sense, it's also a nice step towards rebranding Hill's various maladies. If you can convince people that hurting your feet is cool, then maybe they won't think his massive contracts were a colossal waste of money.

Kobe Bryant

His last signature shoe, the Zoom Kobe 4, was about as minimalistic as a basketball sneaker could be. Until now. Yeah, these are ostensibly high-tops (compared to his previous lows), but the removal of all nonessential material is pretty amazing from a design standpoint. Furthermore, since it's Kobe, you know he has the newest features, such as a sole that has no cushioning, which somehow still provides cushioning.

I'm constantly amazed by the innovations in shoe design. As soon as Blowtorch Consulting gets big enough, we'll probably land a deal with a brand and then make amazing shoes. Until then, enjoy these player editions!

Weight Loss Solutions for Eddy Curry

Word on the street is that Eddy Curry is trying to get his groove back. Ostensibly, he wants to "be ready" and "resemble a basketball player" and "attract women." But I'm willing to bet he logged on to the information super highway, went to Google, started Googling "eddy curry is awesome" and saw this:
Then he had the sadness and decided, "I should probably stop being as fat as I am. This will cure the sadness." Because I'm trying to diversify Blowtorch Consulting, I'm willing to offer my help in getting Eddy Curry back in shape. Here are some suggestions.

DIET AND EXERCISE
This would probably be my first suggestion. But since it involves eating less and working out more, let's move on.

HAVE A BABY
Just giving birth is an easy way to drop 7-9 pounds, plus Eddy would continue to lose weight while he nursed the baby. Not to mention, he'd also have a new baby that he can enter in to various pageants, even after only two weeks after birth. I assume he would teach his child how to do a backflip, which would be pretty big points in the talent portion.

STAR IN A CHRISTIAN BALE MOVIE
In The Machinist, Christian Bale played a man who is very skinny and also chops another man's arm off in a factory accident. It is legendary how much weight Christian Bale lost for this role (most estimate the amount at a lot), then he put on a bunch of muscles and a very growly voice to be Batman. I would probably tell Eddy to not go "full Bale," or else he'll lose his ability to back flips and/or walk.

CLICK ON INTERNET ADS
In just 2 weeks, Eddy Curry could change from a very fat black man to a slightly smaller white man. In most circles, this is called "the Eddie Murphy diet" after his preference for playing every character in more and more depressing movies. However, once again I'd worry that he'd stop being able to do backflips.

I'm not saying that these are the only ways to lose weight (also: methamphetamines, illness, surgery), but they are probably the best. In fact, if Eddy were to incorporate the last three in to his current diet (fats) and exercise (none) routine, he'd probably be able to drop at least 15 pounds before the season started. Good luck, Eddy!

Various Marketing Opportunities for Tyler Hansbrough

As the President and CEO of a growing marketing firm, I've got to pay attention to what others in my field are doing. In order for me to make Blowtorch Consulting as big as I dream, I need to be able to incorporate what the competition is doing, but take it to a higher level. Right now, I'm clearly the most innovative marketer around, but I'm not as well known as some of the bigger managers/agents but people are pretty impressed with my status.

One guy who I admire a lot is Jeff Schwartz over at Excel Sports Management. I've really been impressed with his Tyler Hansbrough campaign. Hansbrough is going to be pretty marketable, especially because he's in Indiana. He fits their demographic perfectly. Let's take a look at the package they've put together.

JC Penney Spokesman

This just makes sense. I like that they're playing up his style-averse fashion choices as a kind of style. And since the market share of JC Penney among all other Indiana clothiers is nearing 85%, this could be a very lucrative deal. I see them offering Hansbrough his own big and tall clothing line that's heavy on pleated pants and untailored button-downs. This could be huge.

Brough Hats

I'm on board with this initiative as well. I like the Brough/bro interplay because not only is it his name, but the people who are the biggest Tyler Hansbrough fans are real bros. They wear these hats anyways, so why not sell them something endorsed by their favorite player.

Indiana Jersey Promotion

I'm kind of on the fence with this move. Yeah, it gets Hansbrough's name out there, but there's also no real monetization for Tyler's camp. I can't imagine more than 75 people are going to want a Hansbrough Pacers jersey, so they might be giving these away to the only people who would buy them.

Tyler Hansbrough Wax Statue

Now this is the real legendmaker. What other rookie already has a wax statue? That's baller status right there. This is going to be something that Blowtorch Consulting comes back to again and again. There are so many opportunities here. You can charge for pictures taken. You can send it on tour. You can rent it out to nightclubs as a promotion. The possibilities are endless, and the attention to detail is simply stunning. It almost looks real.

Needless to say, the Hansbrough campaign is pretty impressive and I can see Blowtorch Consulting using some of these ideas as we continue to grow. I really like the multifaceted approach they're taking, and the way they're using unusual products to increase their visibility (a tenet of Blowtorch Consulting's business plan). Well done, Jeff Schwartz. I hope we can work together some day.

Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp

Hi, I'm Phil Jackson, and I want to tell you about something deep in my heart. You might know me as the basketball coach of the National Basketball Association's Los Angeles Lakers. Or maybe from my 1990s stint as coach of the Chicago Bulls and Michael Jordan. And while I deeply love basketball, my true passion is the stage.

I love acting with the intensity of a thousand burning suns. Ever since my role as the titular character in my 8th grade performance of Pippin, I've been infatuated with honing my craft. Now that the NBA season is over, I've decided to share my knowledge through Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp.

Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp is an intensive 8 week course that promises to teach you the ins and outs of stage, television, and film acting. You'll learn everything you could need to know from me, Phil Jackson. For instance, dramatic acting.

"I don't know how to put this, Eric. You have...you have...I don't believe it...how did you...how could you...I've never seen this before...where does an infestation of nanobots even come from? begins crying I'll do my best, Eric. I'll do my best...I'll do my best."

And scene.

That was from my still-in-production screenplay BloodBots. It's a sci-fi film that I'm still trying to iron out, but you get the idea.

Another of my specialties is the "crazy" character. You know the kind. He just can't suffer the injustices of this world any longer, then he snaps. Take a look.

"WHAT?! WHAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! HOW DARE YOU!! HOW! DARE! YOU! WHAT?!"

And scene.

The monologue I just performed is from a television series that I'm pitching called Jill Faxson: Lady Detective. I'm hoping to play her sidekick Eric, your typical loose cannon.

But lest you think Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp is all doom and gloom, I'll also be teaching comedic acting. This monologue is from another screenplay I'm writing called Bigs. I play a basketball coach who can't communicate with his centers. One center, played by Antonio Banderas, is from Spain. The other is a younger guy who just wants to party, and will be played by Tracy Morgan. Watch and learn.

"Paul, put your pants back on. I said flash TO the high post, not flash the high post."

And scene.

As you can see, Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp is a full-fledged learning experience. I, Phil Jackson, will teach you everything you've ever wanted to know about acting, and then some. For additional details, email my management. Hope to see you soon.

Dwight Howard is Starting a Clothing Line

Since I started Blowtorch Consulting, I constantly get important emails asking for my opinions and advice when it comes to properly branding players. And because I'm doing the Phenomenal Swag thing, a lot of the questions I get have to deal with fashion, style, and fashionable style. Things of this nature come easily to me, probably because my mom dressed me exclusively in knickers until age 18. With that kind of background, I'm pretty proud of this news I broke in the headline.

In cooperation with Dwight Howard and adidas, Blowtorch Consulting is proud to introduce Dwight Howard's clothing line DH12. Designed jointly by adidias and Dwight Howard, this full-service line is going to be aimed at the big and tall crowd. It's going to be months before we can get this out to high-end stores, but I've got clearance to show you the first item.

This is by far Dwight's favorite piece from the line, and I've been told he wears it out in Orlando almost every night. It's nipped at the waist to give a clean silhouette, but it's sleeveless construction allows Dwight's arms to be exposed, as he insists. You can see the modest DH12 logo on the back, and the familiar three stripes of adidas on the left shoulder. Basically, it's the perfect piece of clothing for when you want to regulate your core temperature, but still show off your arms. It's priced at an affordable $399.99.

We're aiming for a September release, and I'm hoping to be able to show off some more of the samples later this summer. Be on the lookout at Hypebeast, Hipster Runoff, and High Snobiety for release information.

(post updated for legal reasons)

Proposed Orlando Magic Endorsement Opportunity

Guys, it's the Finals right now and Blowtorch Consulting has been hard at work. I've been putting together deals, making proposals, and using investment strategies. My savvy mind tells me to "strike when the iron is hot" and "any publicity is good publicity." These are business terms I'm using, and if they go over your heard I apologize. But seriously, they work.

Take for instance my latest deal. The Orlando Magic attempted more three-pointers this season than any other team in the league. Some people call shooting a lot of three-pointers a long distance approach. And everyone knows you can use your cellular telephone's satelite transmissions to make long distance phone calls. I talked with Blowtorch Consulting's creative director (me) and we put together this ad campaign for the Orlando Magic Long Distance Connect Package.

It really meshes well with their "more bars in more places" movement. They were even kind enough to include international calling to France. Unfortunately, due to problems concerning the downfall of the Ottoman Empire, calls to Turkey couldn't be included, so that's why you see Hedo over to the left. However, we did like the way that his wandering kinds of made it feel like a more natural happening, rather than a promotion.

If we get this deal confirmed it'll be huge for us. We've already got LeBron signed up, which is huge; but if we can get an entire team like the Magic AND a huge corporation like AT&T, that'll be amazing. Wish me luck, I've got a presentation in Orlando Sunday evening.

LeBron James's Newest Business Venture

Remember Blowtorch Consulting? It's off to a great start. How well is my one man shop doing, you ask? This well:

Blowtorch Consulting is proud to announce it's newest client, Cleveland Cavalier, Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies CEO, and Most Valuable Player LeBron James.

It was a simple deal, really. LeBron has a newer Ferrari, and now that the Cavs have been eliminated, tons of time on his hands. Not only does it pad his wallet, he also gets to connect with fans and show them that he's serious about Cleveland. Win-win.

This is the first of what I assume will be MANY big name clients. In this economy, players are looking for any way they can to maximize their earning potential. Blowtorch Consulting is here to help.

Endorsement Opportunity for Marcin Gortat

Look guys, the economy. You've heard about the economy I assume. It's not being very economical, if you know what I mean. I mean that it's not doing good. Wish it were doing better. Wish it had more money. Wish it had more econoME. Stocks and bonds. Buy low, sell high. Satellite transmissions to cellular telephones. Things like that. As such, I've decided to open a consulting business for NBA players. Basically, I will take a lesser known player and set them up with appropriate endorsement deals. In return, these players will pay me a 7% commission, and also give me free things like shoes, various sporting goods, and movie tickets to first-run movies. It's pretty fair, I think. After all, these endorsements will make the players millions, even after taking out my 7%. Not to mention, they wouldn't be seeing that money without my help anyways, because I'm going to be DIGGING DEEP for these endorsements.

Just as a teaser, here's a proposal I've put together for Orlando's Marcin Gortat. I want to pair him up with Lowell Foods.

The best quality foods from Poland and the best quality basketball player from Poland? Perfect match. Marcin Gortat will GLADLY tell you a story about sesame seeds and honey, he was raised on the stuff.

Here are some products that we'll put his face on, and what I'd propose as slogans:

Headcheese - "Because it exists."Herring Fillets with Onions in Brine - "If you don't like your fish in a salty brine with onions, then you don't really like fish."Seasoned Pork Lard with Pork Added - "The only thing that makes pork lard better is adding pork."Prune and Whole Grain Yogurt - "Like grapes, but grosser. Also, grains because yogurt was too creamy."

This is a win-win. Lowell Foods gets Marcin Gortat, the best Polish player ever. Marcin Gortat gets sacks of money and all the pork loaf he can eat. I've already talked to President and C.E.O. Conrad Lowell and he is understandably ECSTATIC about the idea.

Let's make this happen.